A couple days ago I wrote a post in response to a question from a reader who was conflicted as to whether or not she wanted to have another child.
And a comment was left in response to that post and I have not been able to stop thinking about it.
So I want to address it.
The decision to have children is a big one.
Some of us plan for it very carefully.
Some of us, not so much.
Most of us know that bringing a human being into this world is a huge responsibility, and we all have different reasons for wanting to have children.
And who’s to say that one reason is better than another.
But if you are having a baby because you don’t feel complete without having a life that is completely dependent upon you, I strongly, strongly, strongly advise that you don’t get pregnant.
Instead, I would urge you to get a therapist.
And I say this not judgmentally or sarcastically, but with genuine kindness and understanding.
And also with concern.
Yes. It feels awesome to be needed.
Trust me. I get it.
But I would hope that those of us who are purposely having children are doing it with not only the goal of creating a family, but also with the desire to create responsible, independent, and healthy individuals.
And if you are having more children because you feel incomplete without babies who are completely dependent on you, then the one who is dependent isn’t really them.
It’s you.
And codependency is dangerous and unhealthy.
For you and your kids.
I am not judging. I get it.
I believe I fucked some stuff up with my first kid.
I wanted him to need me. A little too much.
While I’m no doctor, I have many friends with more than one child and I was a teacher for ten years.
And what I know is that many, many first borns have separation or anxiety or confidence issues.
And my philosophy is that some of this comes from being the first.
Again. I’m no doctor.
And I am not saying that anxiety and other mental health issues don’t have a big genetic correlation.
But I think a lot of us are varying degrees of codependent with that first kid. You don’t really know any better.
You are often overprotective and overbearing and unsure and hesitant and anxious yourself.
You freak out over lots of stuff that’s not really freakworthy, just because you are new at this whole parenting thing.
And I 100% believe that this gets transferred onto your children.
Some of us figure this out faster than others.
But for those of us who don’t ever figure it out, or for those of us who are, for lack of a better word, addicted to being needed, not only are you depriving yourself, but you are depriving your kids.
You are depriving them of independence. Of the opportunity to discover how strong and unique they are and how much potential they possess.
And you are increasing the chances that they are going to have a lot of difficulty establishing healthy relationships as adults.
And I know that’s not what you really want for your kids.
I don’t like that my kids are growing up so fast, believe me.
But it’s inevitable.
And if they are eventually going to grow up, I want them to be serious ass kickers.
I want them to make a difference.
I want them to be proactive and reflective and resilient and independent and tough as fucking nails.
And I think that’s very difficult if you have a parent who wants you to need to depend upon them.
That kind of turns your kid into a pussy.
It’s not fair to them.
Eventually, you will have to stop having babies.
And when that happens, if one of the reasons you are having children is to know that someone cannot function without being completely dependent upon you, well, the chances of your kid(s) growing up to be competent, well adjusted, strong, tough, and healthy individuals are pretty small.
And the chances that they will need to do a lot of work themselves, and spend a lot of time and energy (and money) changing thought patterns and behaviors that are stopping them from realizing their potential are very big.
Again, I know that’s not what you want for your children.
So if you are feeling incomplete without another human being needing you in order to stay alive, maybe you can look at it this way.
The person you need to depend on you the most is… you.
At the end of the day, that is who you are stuck with.
And while it feels nice to be needed, you know what feels even better?
To know that you don’t need anyone other than yourself.
That’s not to say you don’t need love and affection and social connection and that you don’t love your children more than anything and wouldn’t take bullets or climb mountains or slay dragons for them.
But it means that you have a life and existence and purpose outside of being a mom.
Being the best example I can be. Enjoying quality time with my children. Being in a healthy marriage. Setting goals and reaching them. Moving out of my comfort zone. Helping those in need.
Those are the things that make you complete.
Codependence does not make you complete.
It stops you from being complete.
And like I said earlier, there are many healthy reasons why people choose to have kids.
But that is not one of them.
Don’t set that example for your children.
That’s not the mother they deserve to have.
And that’s not the mother you deserve to be. You deserve much, much more.
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Well said. One can always adopt a dog or cat instead. They will always need you. They will never grow up and move out. And when the end of their life comes (so sad) you can always get another one.
Thank you for this post. I am not a Mom, and not, thinking about becoming one, but I am a first born and can relate to most of what you said.
You nailed it! Every word…so true.
I completely agree with this advice but I think the main problem (from my very limited experience with people like this) is that THEY DON’T KNOW IT. They don’t realize that they have that “need” to have a little life dependent upon them, and maybe even convince themselves that they really do want another child, another puppy, another kitten, another little newborn, helpless, fully-dependent life form that “needs” them. It’s hard to make this assessment from the outside looking in (because obviously we can’t know what they are *really* thinking), but I’m very close with two different women who I believe have this problem. If it’s not another baby, they get a new pet once a year or so – they dote over it, it’s the cutest thing ever, they give it more attention than even the children, and as soon as the pet is grown up (and inevitably completely out of control because they never took the time to train it properly), they want to get rid of it and move on to the next “new” thing. I absolutely hate it!