Yesterday I wrote a post explaining how I didn’t let Number 3 go to a birthday party after he, for absolutely no reason, pushed his three-year-old sister who consequently fell into a wooden table and slammed her head onto the corner of it.
I went on to explain how once I told him he wasn’t going to the party any more, his behavior immediately changed, and how, about an hour before the party was supposed to start, he asked if he could go since he had gotten his act together and had been good for the rest of the day.
And how I told him he still couldn’t go to the party
And how I felt guilty and contemplated caving but ultimately didn’t.
And then a reader left this comment:
I get that we have to be hard on them an stick to the punishments we set, but if they do good an try to redeem them self’s an we still say no, isn’t that showing them that even if they are good they don’t get the reward? …
Okay.
Um…
NO.
First of all, if you are in a situation where you have to redeem yourself, then you need to put in some time.
Like days.
Not hours.
I am not sending the message to my kids that you can basically do whatever the hell you want as long as you repent from breakfast through lunch.
A couple hours of behaving and self control and following the directions is not demonstrating that a lesson has been learned.
That you know right from wrong. That you are behaving just because it’s the right thing to do.
Sure, I told him that I really liked the way he was following the directions.
And that that was the kind of behavior that would earn him the privilege of going to the next party he was invited to.
If he kept doing it.
All the time.
But not for one morning.
Because you don’t study one time for two hours and get an A+.
You don’t try hard at one baseball practice and make the starting line up.
You don’t practice violin for one hour and play first chair in the orchestra.
And in this house, you don’t do the right thing for one morning and then go to a birthday party.
Because kids don’t need to go to birthday parties.
They don’t need iPhones or iPads or Kindles or goodie bags or Peachwave or playdates or their own car or parents who enable them.
They don’t need to be constantly praised. No matter what.
They don’t need awards because they participated or because someone else got one, too.
They do need the basic necessities. Food. Water. Shelter. Love. Affection.
They also need structure. Discipline. Consistency.
The need positive reinforcement when they are doing the things you want them to do.
But they also need a fucking reality check and some reasonable consequences when they do shit that is unacceptable.
Like slamming their little sister’s head into a table.
You don’t get rewarded for managing not to hurt your little sister.
Chris Rock does a bit about parents who piss him off.
Parents who, as he says, “want credit for shit they’re supposed to do. ”
Parents who say, “I take care of my kids!”
His response to that?
“You’re supposed to, you dumb mothahfuckah!”
He talks about parents who brag, “I ain’t never been to jail!”
His reply:
“What do you want? A cookie? You’re not suppoooosed to go to jail!”
And it’s the same for kids.
In this house anyway.
You don’t get rewarded because you made it through two hours without injuring any members of your family.
Because you’re not supposed to hurt your sister in the first place.
Nope. You don’t get a cookie for that.
And you sure as hell don’t get to go to a party for it either.
Today’s post is brought to you by www.go-go-junior.com
YES! YES YES YES YES YES.
If ALL parents operated this way the world would be a MUCH better place. Frankly, the way the bulk of this generation is being raised makes me terrified for my old age.
While it is tough to get gasps and stares when I tell my kid she cannot have a KitKat in the checkout lane (OHMYGOSH HOW will she live?!?!) or when I scold her for not following directions and staying by my side in the store (and nearly knocking over an entire display of glass ornaments)… I’ll take those gasps and stares over raising a human being who ends up being a pain in every single ass she ever encounters. We’re raising PEOPLE here, who will become ADULTS. Adults who have spouses who have to deal with them, and friends, and bosses, and neighbors, and kids of their own. Not cute little hamsters who we cheer for and give a piece of lettuce to every time they hop on their wheel.
Good for you! I myself am still trying to go one week without yelling at my son when he deliberately pushes my buttons, but I digress. 🙂 Children, with or without special needs, need boundaries, parents who are consistent, and model consequences for actions. I have started doing this with my eight year old son who has high functioning autism. He yelled the other day “I hate consequences!” But he is getting that certain behaviors will cause certain end results. We are doing none of our children any favors if we coddle, give in or make sure they are happy all the time even if they don’t listen. Preparing them for life is our job. And one day they will be better people in the world who respect others. Keep up the great blogs!
HELL YES!
How do u deal with the guilt afterwards? I’m partial on this issue as it depends on the child’s age and what the problem was. Yes no party if i already told you to stop playing rough!!
UMM YES!! 100 and 50 thousand percent agree with you on this!!!!!
If you would have given in, you are just teaching him that he can use “kind” behavior to erase his misbehavior. It’s a form of manipulation.
His punishment was a perfectly reasonable consequence.
this is brilliant and exactly life in my crazy house. Parties are rewards not obligations or entitlements.
Misbehavior in this house yields the loss of phones, tablet, ipad, computer, television, and eventual self administered solitary confinement from drooling and twitching from the loss of all technology. For days…sometimes weeks. And it sucks… For them. I have all my technology. I’m good. lol
Kids have this sense of entitlement today, that world owes them everything right now, and a sense that they can just do anything they want without consequence. I don’t remember ever being like that as a kid. My kids have and continue to learn that the world does not work that way. I wish more parents would work this way, but it’s too easy to just say nothing in fear of being accused of being a bad parent and just let them retreat to their screens.
Thank you…..from the bottom of my School Counselor heart!
Thank goodness. A voice of reason in all the feel good, everybody wins mentality out there. Him getting to go to the party would be like saying that someone who stole your car should get out of jail because they waxed the wardens car and made cupcakes for the homeless. Maybe you redeemed yourself, but you shouldn’t have stolen the car to begin with.
Let the punishment fit the crime, and you also have to do all the “time”
Your response reminded me of something that happened recently in my counties school district with the Superintendent of Education. She was let go last year for misappropriation of funds. What started it all was that she used a DISTRICT credit card to pay for PERSONAL flights to and from another state for her husband and daughter. She put the money back the next day when she was able to take funds from her personal account but it still doesn’t make it right. So many people stated that if she put it back, then what’s the problem. Um, this is like me stealing a car from a Walmart parking lot and putting it back the next morning. They aren’t going to NOT put me in jail because I returned it! I’m still going to jail for grand theft. It’s the same with children. If you do the crime, you do the time and in my household, you do NOT get off for good behavior. You learn that you shouldn’t have committed the crime in the first place.
Well done and well said Susie! Turning negative behavior around is great and you praised him for that, but the turn around doesn’t change the fact that he did it in the first place! Plus I think an important factor here is number 3s age and the age difference between him and his 3 year old sister. I’m not saying it would have been okay if he was 4 and pushed his sister, you just probably wouldn’t have taken away the birthday party and would have given a more immediate consequence. I just want to tell you that you rock, Susie!
Drops the mic…….clap clap clap clap clap clap clap thank you.
AMBER, LOVE YOUR RESPONSE LOL!!
Well said!!!!
Amen!
I am all for sticking with the punishment once you have established it, but the punushment should fit the crime. You already rsvpd to a party for a young child then canceled the day of… I am sorry but that is rude. I am sure the child that was having the birthday was disappointed. There is a million other things that can be taken away without being rude to others.
Also, kids need socialization also and to get energy out.
I don’t give a crap if I rsvp’d to the fucking Queen of England. If you cause bodily harm on purpose to your baby sister, completely unprovoked, then there is no fucking way in hell you are going to a party. And good. Let his friends be disappointed in him. They should be.
My son goes to swim practice four times a week, basketball twice a week, indoor baseball practice once a week, play practice 2-3 times a week and school every single day and he has 6 brothers and sister.
He has plenty of opportunities to get his energy out and to socialize.
What he needs is a clear, immediate, and serious consequence for being a jerk when he’s a jerk. Plus, there’s no way in hell I’m sending him to a party with other children unless I am sure he is crystal clear on the fact that it is not okay to hurt other people.
So thanks for the input, but you are wrong.
Good luck with your kids. You’re gonna need it.
LMAO
Heres my 2 cents… my son was a difficult preteen and teenager. Moody, sullen, argumentative, angry. We went to therapy, and he had individual therapy. Nothing came of it except for the therapist telling us that he needed to be challenged and that he was bored. The school provided more stimulation for him and we tried at home but nothing worked to improve his behaviour. Im ashamed to admit that i gave up. I loved my son, and i thought that by giving in and basically letting him do what he wanted he wouldnt be angry
and there wouldnt be anymore discord in the house. We made it through the remainder of his high school years, and he joined the Army. He turned out to be a good soldier, and was awarded a few medals. Once he was out though, his life went downhill. Long story short, without the discipline he got so used to in the service, he was aimless. He couldnt hold a job, he enrolled in college but didnt stick with it. Then 2 years after he got out of the Army he became addicted to pain meds which led to a heroin addiction. In 2009, he died of an overdose.
Its obvious that i blame myself. If i could go back i would try so much harder. I would try to be firmer and more resolute in my parenting decisions. I cant go back though. Kids need discipline, they need parents who are going to stand by what they say.
Wow,Brenda. I’m so sorry for your loss and sorry you had to go through that. You were doing the best you knew how at the time. Hindsight is 20/20. Thank you for sharing your story.
It is a hard thing to do… I always feel guilty, but it is a good lesson for kids. You can’t threaten unless you follow through.
I couldn’t agree more. My step-son had to adjust to that when he moved in with his father and I. I let him wiggle out of a punishment exactly once, and never did it again, because I didn’t like his behavior or attitude during it and after. It’s been a rough to years, but he has matured a lot.
Thank you for sharing.
Hell Yes!