Still searching for the gray.

I used to go see this therapist who was amazing.

She literally helped me turn my life around.

But she was a fucking disaster.

Her office was a mess, her car was a mess, and her appearance was also a mess.

I found it a little bit ironic that someone who was helping me to become more disciplined and in control of myself was completely out of control herself.

My husband and I also saw a therapist together a couple years ago.

And she was divorced.

I found that to be a little ironic as well.

I’m running two e-courses right now, and one is entitled Balance.

This week’s goal was to build at least 5 minutes into each day just to relax.

And I burned my candle so badly at both ends this week that I made myself physically ill from exhaustion.

I was at a swim meet yesterday afternoon, and halfway through it, my legs started to hurt so bad that I had to sit down for most of the second half of the meet.

Numbers 5, 6, and 7 were at my parents’ house, and by the time I got there to pick them up after the meet, I had to lie down on the floor.

Again, ironic.

Or maybe just stupid.

I’m telling other people how to avoid getting themselves into this situation, but not actually doing it myself.

I think I forget that I’m human sometimes.

I think I expect way too much of myself.

And so, today, I spent the whole entire day off my feet.

The whole day.

I didn’t do any work.

I literally watched 11 episodes of Scandal.

I have a ridiculous amount of work to do. And I planned on taking advantage of this snow day and getting as much done as I could.

Being productive.

But sometimes being productive doesn’t mean doing a lot of things.

Sometimes it means doing nothing.

A couple weeks ago I was at a yoga class, and it was the end of the class and we were all on our backs.

The instructor asked us to do one pose, and someone else in the class did a different pose.

And the instructor said, “Good idea. Let’s do that one.”

And the woman doing her own thing said,

My body called for it.

Those five words have been running through my head ever since that class.

My body called for it.

Today my body called for rest.

But I had issued myself a 30 days of yoga challenge! I couldn’t miss yoga!

Well, I’m not fulfulling the challenge.

It was hard for me to accept, but not the end of the world. I’m not a failure because I haven’t been able to do it.

Rest was more important today.

My body called for it.

I don’t know why I have such a hard time finding that middle ground.

Why I’m so good at the extremes. Why the black and white is so easy.

But tomorrow is a new day. I’m hitting the reset button and starting over.

And hopefully I’ll manage to land a little bit closer to the gray.