I’m attempting my first triathalon in less than 2 weeks, so I’ve been going to the Y to swim. I think every resident of Brookfield who is over the age of 80 goes there at the same time. It’s like Cocoon in that place. When my husband kicks the bucket, I’m going there to find myself a new man.
Group swim lessons also run all morning. As of yet, I have not been able to time it so I’m not in the locker room when the kids are done. There are two moms I keep getting trapped in that locker room with. One of them gives her poor kid a science, or history, or etiquette lesson every time she is getting him dressed.
“…and then the world was hit by a giant meteor, and aaaaaaaalllll the dinosaurs died…”
Okay lady. You’re amazing, and your son’s a genius. Thanks for the lesson. Why don’t you enroll your kid in a gifted program and get the hell out of the locker room?
But Anastasia’s (name has been changed) mom takes the cake. And she has one of those low, really loud, ex-smoker, travels-for-miles kind of voices. I’m pretty sure the people in the parking lot can hear her. Being in the locker room at the same time as her is like being stuck in a Verizon Wireless commercial.
“Anastasia, let’s get you dressed.”
“Anastasia, can Mommy put your diaper on?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
Alright, Anastasia’s Really Annoying Mom, we get it. Your daughter has the coolest name ever. Please stop saying it. PLEASE. And please stop talking. Just find a way to get clothes on your kid and GO HOME.
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
“Mommy, I want to go home.”
Trust me kid, we all want you to go home.
“I know you want to go home, but you refuuuuuse to put your clothes on.”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
OH MY GOD.
And then the lady next to her who was getting her kid dressed whips out a pack of fruit snacks and gives them to ARAM.
“Oh, what a nice lady,” ARAM says.
“You can have those when your clothes are on,” says the nice lady.
But I know she’s not a nice lady. She just wants ARAM to shut the f#$*! up. Just like the rest of us.
I could not get dressed fast enough. And I wasn’t totally dry, so my clothes were getting all twisted and tangled. I was like a wild animal. The more I struggled, the more tangled in the net of my clothes I became.
I finally managed to escape. Anastasia didn’t have a lick of clothes on when I walked out.
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to get dressed now?”
“Anastasia, are you ready to ge….”
By the time I got to the lobby, her voice was gone.
Today I’m signing up for the adult locker room.
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