The other morning I turned on the tv while I was making breakfast.
The news came on.
In one minute, there was a story about a teacher who got busted for offering students money to have sex with him, some dude who randomly started hacking a woman with a meat cleaver in Chinatown, and a psyyyyyyyyycho police officer who was arrested because he was plotting to kidnap, torture, kill and eat women.
Eat them.
I turned the tv off.
What the fuck?
It was a little disheartening.
Like I said yesterday, life is hard enough as it is.
And depressing enough without turning the news on.
And that’s the main reason I started this blog.
To maybe add a little bright spot to somebody’s day.
To put a smile on someone’s face.
To momentarily take your mind off of all the crap you have to deal with.
To let you know that your kids are not the only ones who suck sometimes.
Okay.
A lot of the times.
And, more importantly, to let you know that you are not the only mom feeling a little exasperated.
Or beating yourself up for making a mistake.
We all make them.
But we don’t want to tell anyone.
Because then we feel like a failure.
Or because we don’t want to be judged.
So I have pretty much been broadcasting my mistakes to the world.
To let you know you are not alone.
That you are not the only one who’s had a couple close calls.
And because well, sometimes they are just pretty fucking funny.
The other day Number 6 got into the junk drawer in the kitchen.
There was a tube of Tylenol Precise in there.
It’s like Bengay.
I don’t know how it got in there.
That’s not generally where I keep that stuff.
But with 7 kids ranging in age from 1 to 15, you find a lot of crazy shit in some really random places.
Like a sippy cup in the toilet, 
Or a taco in your purse,
Or your sunglasses in the citronella candle, after someone used them to hack the thing to smithereens,
Or the really sneaky place someone put her milk because she didn’t want to drink it.
So anyway, I was upstairs, and a wave of wintergreen ascended the staircase and made its way into the room where I was changing Number 7’s diaper.
Swimmers know immediately what that smell is.
“NUMBER 6??? What are you doing???” I yelled down the stairs.
“I found the lotion Mommy!” he proudly yelled pack.
Fuck.
That’s not lotion.
I ran downstairs and saw this:
By some miracle, he did not get any of it into his eyes.
That would have sucked.
So I put that picture onto the facebook page.
I know by putting this stuff out for the world to see, I am opening myself up to being judged.
One of the reasons that I do it, really.
Because those judgemental moms are the ones that make the rest of us feel like crap.
But they have their own shit going on.
They make mistakes too.
They don’t fool me.
No one is perfect.
So someone commented:
“Don’t you supervise your kids?”
Ooooh.
I wanted to squirt some of that Tylenol Precise right into her eyes.
I bit my tongue.
Sort of.
But she wasn’t really done.
So then I sort of went off on a little sarcastic rant.
Anyway, that shit comes with the territory, I know.
But you know what else comes with the territory?
All of the support you guys gave me.
“…it only takes a moment. Toddlers+ are crafty.”
“Change a diaper, answer the phone, use the bathroom! Can’t stare at them 24/7!”
Thank you.
But then, it got better.
Then I got this message (published with permission):
Susie,
I can’t even remember now how I found your blog but it’s been a sanity saver for me. So I wanted to say thank you for sharing your life and I also wanted to share my story with you (real fast, I promise) just to let you know how much your words mean to someone whom you’ve never met. I have lost five pregnancies and am unable to have children, which really crushed me. My, now, live-in-sweetie has two kids, nine and six, who he gets for the summer, which means I get them for the summer since I work from home. Last summer, I about lost my shit with them. I couldn’t believe the craziness that came with two truly well-behaved children: plastic snakes underneath my bedroom pillow, towel racks pulled off the bathroom wall, clogged toilets, clogged sinks, ringworm, warts….holy shitsnacks. So, at the time, I’m crazed because I’m thinking that I’m doing everything wrong. I’m getting too mad and I have no f-ing clue what the hell I’m doing which depressed me to no end because I felt like it was fitting I wasn’t ‘officially’ a mother because I clearly didn’t know how to handle kids. And here’s where we get back to you. Reading your blog, with the absolute honesty and openness about the insanity of children and how it’s so easy to have a disaster when you look away for two seconds, made me feel like I was in the trenches with the other moms and wasn’t doing as poorly of a job as I thought I was because this stuff was normal. Again, sanity saver. Your blog was and still is a Big Deal to me. People don’t say nice things to each other enough anymore so I make it a point in my life to say the good. I’ve never contacted someone like this before but I wanted to share my heartfelt thanks.
Wow.
I’ll take a million Judge Judy comments for every one of those.
Totally worth it.
TOTALLY.
Thank you Everyone.
Here’s to hoping for a mistake-free day.
And if not?
Eh.
No biggie.
Just scroll through my pictures.
I’m sure you’ll see something you can relate to in there 😉
I was surprised at how restrained you were with that “don’t you supervise your kids” comment. I would have let her have it. Mothers like that should have their comments thrown back in their face more often. Maybe if they took a second to realize how hurtful their comments can be, they’d think twice before passing judgement. I’d love to park a video camera at her house and see how “perfect” her and her little angels are.
I’m sure you’d be entertained for hours…
When my Number 6(out of 8) was about 4 maybe 5, my mom was babysitting @ her house. Number 6 went in her drawer and found the “lotion” and proudly began applying it quite liberally to his arms. Promptly ran screaming from her room shaking his arms wildly. It was the most hysterical sight. Anyway, he’ll be 11 next week. Shit happens. Kids live. We move on.
You said it. And I wish I could have seen your Number 6 🙂
First, you are awesome and you have beautiful children.
Secondly, I am so glad to read your stories of hilarity. If you can’t see the humor in the craziness of parenting then 1) you will go insane and 2) you’re doing it wrong. You are definitely doing it right.
And lastly, screw the Judgy McJudgersons. They are probably happy being miserable and at the end of the crazy day, their judgements prevent them from experience of the humor and joy that you bring in your blog. It’s their loss because they chose to be ass clowns.
Love you, Love your show, Love your kids, and I hope you get a massage every now and then.
Peace and boogers,
Rox
Thank you Rox. I agree, if you can’t laugh at most of this crap then it’s going to be a loooong 18 years. Or more. And I’m getting that massage tomorrow 🙂
“…And the greatest thing she learned was there is no way to be the perfect mother, but a million ways to be a great one!” We can ALL relate, even if some of us out their wont admit it! Thank you for your honesty and candor! You are a bright spot in the morning (with my coffee!!)
Oh thank you Kristin!
Hello! I join all of the other parents who say, “You go, girl.” You have the guts to be vulnerable in a society full of judgmental know-it-alls. I published a light-hearted parenting book last year, and I was amazed at the criticism I got. Having said that, I will not be amazed in the future (lesson learned!), but my second book starts production in June. I feel like you do — let them judge me. They aren’t perfect, either, even if they do think so! Your writing gives parents a moment to giggle and say to themselves, “Hey, this stuff happens to other people, too!” That was my purpose in writing my book, and I think it’s yours, too. Kindred spirits are we, I do believe. Write on!
This post totally made my day!! All moms must be feeling a bit judged today as I blogged about the same thing! Thank you for putting yourself out there, and your honesty you make a lot of mom’s days!
Jennifer Koontz commented on Not Your Average Mom:
Hello! I join all of the other parents who say, “You go, girl.” You have the guts to be vulnerable in a society full of judgmental know-it-alls. I published a light-hearted parenting book last year, and I was amazed at the criticism I got. Having said that, I will not be amazed in the future (lesson learned!), but my second book starts production in June. I feel like you do — let them judge me. They aren’t perfect, either, even if they do think so! Your writing gives parents a moment to giggle and say to themselves, “Hey, this stuff happens to other people, too!” That was my purpose in writing my book, and I think it’s yours, too. Kindred spirits are we, I do believe. Write on!
Ha! Thanks Jennifer 🙂
You totally should submit that photo to “Shit my Kids Ruined”. If you look through the photos, you will see that other parents have stuff happen that is even worse. As a mom of 6, I know that shit happens, you deal, and move on. Only way to stay sane. I LOVE your blog!
I have been told about that site before! And thank you!
Karma Bus…..it will arrive. When they least expect it, it will pull up in their driveway and they will be all “wha?” (and I will be in the corner snickering and pointing. Because I am mean that way)
I’d like to be there when that happens.