If you’ve been here a while, you know that Number 3 is my worrier.
He’s got some significant anxiety and OCD related issues.
He worries about what other people think.
He worries about doing things the wrong way.
He worries about Number 4 being better than him.
He worries about the car breaking down.
Or the bus breaking down.
In fact, he performs rituals on the bus ride home from school to “ensure” that it doesn’t break down.
He has major fears about being trapped in the locker room.
Especially one he’s never been in before.
We are finding ways to cope with these fears, but it may always be a struggle for him.
As a result of all this, Number 3 can be a little socially awkward.
He’s genetically nervous.
And unsure of himself.
And constantly comparing himself to his siblings.
He doesn’t have that internal self-esteem that Number 4 has naturally.
So he’s awkwardly finding his way.
Every once in a while, a glimmer of real self-confidence shines through.
Occasionally when he’s swimming.
And often when he’s playing baseball.
He loves baseball.
LOVES IT.
And when he’s playing,
sometimes that worrying voice in his head is very, very small.
It’s hard to know that your kid has that voice in his head.
Especially if you’ve ever had it yourself.
Self-doubt, and lack of self-confidence,
um,
totally suck.
And it’s hard to know that even if you can help to give him the tools to shut that voice up,
your kid has to be the one to use them.
You are pretty much powerless.
Last night was Number 3’s first official travel baseball game.
It was against a team that was apparently really good last year.
Like,
they destroyed our team.
So a lot of the boys who played last year were intimidated.
None of them really batted well.
The first 2 innings were three up, three down.
This is Number 3’s first year playing travel baseball.
So he didn’t really know the history.
When his turn at bat came up, he walked up to the plate.
He let the first pitch go by.
Which he usually does.
He swung at the second one.
And he hit the living daylights out of it.
He got a triple.
A triple.
And when the other team tried to make a play and waaaay overthrew the ball to third,
my kid ran home.
And scored.
Was it a true homerun?
No.
But it was to Number 3.
There is no possible way to accurately describe the look on my child’s face.
It was pure joy.
Pride.
And motherfucking confidence like I have never seen.
And yes.
I said motherfucking.
Because it was a big.
fucking.
deal.
In eight years,
I have never seen that look on his face.
That voice inside his head,
if even for those few moments,
was,
POOF!
Not just small.
But completely extinguished.
He was the King of the Fucking World as he crossed that plate.
I wanted to scream,
and jump,
and do back handsprings,
and hire an airplane to write it across the sky.
But I just stood there and bawled.
Like a baby.
Because the feeling he had when he stepped on that plate is something that I have always wanted to be able to give him.
But I know I can’t.
It’s something he has to find for himself.
And he found it last night.
Big time.
As he walked up to the plate the next time he was up to bat,
he looked at the crowd,
found me,
and waved.
I heard a dad say,
“That kid’s got swagger.”
Yeah.
Fuck you tiny voice.
Number 3 and I?
We’re gonna get rid of you for good.
One home run at a time.
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Hi Susie
I’ve been following your blog since the beginning. Just wanted to say that this was the first post that made me cry. I’m so happy for you and number 3. Way to go buddy!! And great job on everything you do mom.
Oh my goodness!! Way to go!! As I was reading I was thinking..where’s the picture..Susie is So good about taking pictures of everything..then I kept reading..awww Susie was too busy being proud and bawling just being in the moment! SO happy for number 3! (and you)
Really happy for you and #3. Brought tears to my eyes.
He’s so lucky you’re his Mom.
This post made me tear up…in a good way. SOOOO happy for Number 3 !
I can relate to #3’s issues I still have those “voices” at 36! Good for him..you should be proud as well as he. That’s a huge obstacle to overcome.
Best post yet! Enjoy celebrating the 4th of July today and reliving this beautiful moment over and over again with friends and family.
Super!
I voted for you today! You are on #2 keep going UP! 🙂
This brought tears to my eyes! Awesome!
This is so freaking awesome! Made me cry too. Congrtulations to you both and have a great day today!
This post made me cry for him! What a lucky kid to have a mom who cares so much! I can definitely relate to having that voice in your head and all I can say is he is blessed to have a mother who understands and supports him 🙂
I feel so happy for you two!!
This post made me tear up too! My son has a friend who also has significant anxiety issues. He has some trouble in school too. I know they have tried medication and counseling… but this kid rocks at sports. He loves baseball too and he is a totally different kid when he is playing! He will have incredible anxiety about going on a school field trip or singing with the whole class in a show… but playing those sports that he loves he is a confident rock star!
My son is a lot like you’ve described your number 3. He also plays baseball and his little voice just over talked him if you will. This last season he got up to bat and always swung out. I would often tell him he had five chances not to u use the first three… but it didn’t matter. He used the first three even if they were no where near him. He never made it on base that season and walking away from that plate devastated him. So I did everything I could to encourage him and help him. And it paid off. He hit the ball one day. Sure it was a foul ball but he hit it. And the look on his face was pure pride. He jumped up and down and said mommy I hit the ball I hit the ball. I say on those benches and did exactly what you did. I bawled and bawled. He made progress.
Reading your son’s victory this morning just shows me that he will get there to his victory. And when he does, I’ll be on those sidelines bawling again. Congratulations to your son:)