Yesterday I made a proclamation.
I was done yelling. For good.
It’s been 24 hours.
For 24 hours, I have been extremely mindful of every single word that has come out of my mouth.
That was all the time I needed to really assess and determine my 5 W’s.
The who, what, when, where and whys related to my rants.
My findings were interesting…
First, the whos.
Who was making me yell?
That one was easy… My kids!
Of course they were the ones making me yell.
Right?
Wrong.
I’ve gotten good at playing the blame game.
No one put a gun to my head.
I was allowing myself to yell.
I was relinquishing my self control. Nobody took that from me.
Ugh.
So the who of yelling was determined.
Next, the whats.
What are the situations in which I find myself yelling?
Well, the whats are largely anything that takes up my time or my money.
Powdered sugar…
Now I need to spend my valuable, prescheduled time cleaning something up. Time I had already allotted for something else important. (You know, like checking my Facebook).
I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!!
ARE YOU SERIOUS???
If it’s not the mess, it’s the thing that got broken.
The picture frame. The lamp. The DVD player.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THOSE THINGS COST??? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD I HAVE TO WORK TO PAY FOR THAT???
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
And most of these stem from the underlying issue of not following the directions.
IF YOU HAD DONE WHAT I HAD TOLD YOU TO DO THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
The whats are closely related to the whens and wheres.
When and where do I find myself faced with the urge to yell the most?
Simple.
1) Getting into the car.
2) At meal times.
3) When I am on the computer or on the phone.
Which brought me to the last, and most important of the w’s.
The whys.
Why am I yelling?
Well, that was simple too.
Obviously because my kids are being JERKS.
Wrong again.
It was me.
Again.
And there are three main reasons why I yell.
The first reason…
Because I’m tired. Or lazy.
How many times have I yelled up the stairs for the kids?
And how many times have I asked the kids to go get someone from upstairs only to have them yell up the stairs, which ultimately results in me yelling at them?
IF I WANTED SOMEONE TO YELL I WOULD HAVE DONE IT MYSELF!!!
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU???
And then there are the times the kids are upstairs playing, and they are quiet.
Too quiet.
But I don’t want to walk upstairs.
Because I’m being lazy.
And so I wait. And I wait. I keep doing whatever it is I’m doing.
And then there is water dripping from the ceiling.
Fuck.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING UP THERE???
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
Which brings me right back to the whats of yelling.
All because I was too lazy to walk up the stairs.
Then there is the second reason why I yell…
Because of poor planning.
When I don’t plan ahead, I am just asking for trouble.
When I haven’t thought about what I’m going to make for dinner and it’s 6:00 and I’m trying to rush because it’s getting late and the kids are asking me for something to eat because they are staaaaaarving and I yell at them,
IF YOU WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE I WOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE DINNER! GO UPSTAIRS AND PLAY!!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???
And then they do go upstairs. And fill up the bathtub.
Until it overflows and drips through the ceiling.
Well, then the yelling really gets loud.
Which brings me to the third reason I yell…
3) Because of unreasonable expectations.
Five of our kids are under the age of ten.
They cannot exit the house, get into the car and all be buckled into their seats in under 3 minutes.
I need to give them more time.
There is only so long they can be left unattended and to their own devices.
And there is only so long they can cooperate.
When they get into trouble, and when they don’t cooperate, they aren’t being assholes.
They’re being kids.
It is unreasonable for me to expect a 2, 4, 5, 7, and 9-year-old to behave and follow the rules for an unspecified amount of time.
To expect that they will not want my attention when they haven’t had it for the past thirty minutes.
So what is wrong with my kids?
Nothing.
There were a couple things wrong with me, though.
But starting today, at least yelling at my kids isn’t one of them.
Great post! As a former kindergarten teacher I know how tempting it is to yell. I also know it’s very ineffective. My son is only 11 months old, but I am going to try my best to control myself and not yell (I know it’s easier said than done).
A day without yelling is like going a day without breathing. haha If I didn’t yell for a whole 24 hours, they will all think I’m sick or something. Great post!
It’s probably surprising for people to see a 17-year old reading a mommy blog. But the idea of yelling because I’m blaming someone else relates back to my relationship with my little brother and sister. If my 10-year old sister borrows a pair of earrings and puts them in a place where I can’t find them when I need them, does that mean I should yell at her? She was just being curious, and it’s not like I told her she couldn’t borrow them. Plus, I should’ve planned ahead in case I had lost the earrings myself. Nice post-really relatable!
You’re terrific!!! Give yourself a break. You can’t be perfect. Breakfast looked yummy…pancakes with powdered sugar? Kids just want to have fun…and so does Mommy!! Have a great day!
I wish I read this 15 years ago! There is a story about a monk who never complained about the tedious jobs of the abbey – the perpetual cleaning, cooking, and washing. He felt it was his highest calling to serve his fellow monks. As parents, I think it is our highest calling to embrace our kids through all the messes! It does take our time and energy but our sacrifice is testament to the unconditional love that deep down inside we feel. I commend you for your mindfulness 🙂
This post is hilarious I love it! Just the thought of not screaming for 24hours seems amazing but oh so impossible for me! I can’t get myself to stop screaming at my 5 year old is like I have an automatic screaming button that turns on when she does something. My twins just turned one so they will get their fair share of screaming soon enough!
That all hits home. Starting my yell free life now.
Hope shit gets done because it seems like no one listens to me until I get to raging lunatic mode.
Oh this was a great read! I think the thing that has gotten to me the most lately about yelling is how my 3 year old stares at me with fear and disbelief when I really lose it… Makes me fell terrible and now I will think twice about playing the blame game and try to stop having such high expectations of her…
I can admit that I’m a yeller. I’ve even tried taking the “No-yelling” challenge and failed within the first 30 seconds. I got really sick a few weeks ago and could barely talk. I learned a LOT in those few days without a voice and in the weeks since getting better. Yelling seriously hurts my throat. I actually achieved more with the kids in my whispered state and things were much nicer around my house! My husband hates the yelling and calls me out for it. So, I am making a conscious effort to not yell. Aside from not wanting to cause permanent damage to my voice and throat from yelling, I don’t want my kids to grow up with this memory of me. So for their sakes and mine, I’m honestly trying.
So many things to write, first of which is congratulations! Congrats on going a day without yelling and on writing an awesome, insightful, inspiring and helpful piece. I really enjoyed it and I know your honest words will help many. Good luck to you as you continue on your no yelling journey. I promised my kids I would go a year and after 520 days not yelling, I can tell you that the hard work of watching every word that comes out is totally worth it. Thanks for sharing 🙂 The Orange Rhino