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Because Some Of Us Can, And Some Of Us Can’t

Back in my smoking days, a long time ago, over twenty years ago, my best friend from high school got married.  At the rehearsal dinner, one of her bridesmaids had quit smoking fairly recently. Like within the past year.

She was one of those holier than thou, Oh My God, get away from me, smoking is so disgusting, how can you still be doing that to your body kind of people.

That’s not me.

I mean, I can’t imagine being a smoker now. Having to leave the room, sneak around, trying to hide it from people and the kids. Carrying gum, mouthwash and perfume wherever I go. Determining my participation in anything based on whether or not I’d be able to smoke or how long I’d have to go without a cigarette. Not having enough money to buy a pack of smokes and dumping $6.00 in change (mostly pennies) on the counter of the Mobil station.

I still love the smell of cigarettes.  When I walk past someone who is smoking, I take a big, deep breath. Or three. I think it will always smell good to me.

But that’s enough for me now.

In the last thirteen years, I have smoked about five cigarettes.

The anticipation of them was always incredible.

But then the actual smoking of them was such a let down. They were gross. Completely unenjoyable. Nothing like what I remembered back when I was in the thick of it.

So I’m happy to have arrived at that place where, when given the choice, I wouldn’t even think of smoking a cigarette anymore.

It feels good to have gotten to that point.

Because I never thought I’d be able to quit. I used to be a heavy smoker.

Like close to two packs a day when I was in my early thirties.

Smoking was a part of me. It was part of my identity. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant five times in seven years, I dont think I would have been able to quit. Giving it up was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

But I was never like that reformed smoking bridesmaid.

Yesterday I shared this blog post on the Facebook page, and some people didn’t really like it. They found it to be negative and judgmental.

I get it. Not everyone agrees on everything.

I identified with many parts of it, which is why I shared it.

But just as with the smoking, I’m also not one of those I-quit-drinking-and-now-I -think-everyone-should-quit-drinking-kind of people, either.

I just hope I can maybe help people who are struggling, too. And let them know they aren’t alone. That’s why I share my stories/struggles/experiences. I also know I’m gonna need a whole lot of support if I’m going to succeed.

It’s also largely cathartic.

Plus, before I started writing yesterday’s blog post, I was like I’m not sure I really have a problem, and then after I was done writing it and I read it I was like HOLY SHIT WOMAN, what took you so damn long???

So every time I write a blog post I end up learning a little more about myself.

Anyway, I’m not here to judge anyone.

I wish I could handle alcohol.

But the truth is, I can’t.

I don’t care if you drink. I don’t think it’s bad.

I mean, unless you are a raging, booze guzzling, suicidal psycho who is putting other people (namely my kids or my family) in danger.

That’s bad.

But I’m not trying to convince the world to live a life of sobriety.

I’m just choosing to share this newest part of my story, and maybe help a couple people along the way.

Look cute while you manage the chaos. Click here.

 

Take someone else to court today. I’ve got other plans.

The other morning I turned on the tv while I was making breakfast.

The news came on.

In one minute, there was a story about a teacher who got busted for offering students money to have sex with him, some dude who randomly started hacking a woman with a meat cleaver in Chinatown, and a psyyyyyyyyycho police officer who was arrested because he was plotting to kidnap, torture, kill and eat women.

Eat them.

I turned the tv off.

What the fuck?

It was a little disheartening.

Like I said yesterday, life is hard enough as it is.

And depressing enough without turning the news on.

And that’s the main reason I started this blog.

To maybe add a little bright spot to somebody’s day.

To put a smile on someone’s face.

To momentarily take your mind off of all the crap you have to deal with.

To let you know that your kids are not the only ones who suck sometimes.

Okay.

A lot of the times.

And, more importantly, to let you know that you are not the only mom feeling a little exasperated.

Or beating yourself up for making a mistake.

We all make them.

But we don’t want to tell anyone.

Because then we feel like a failure.

Or because we don’t want to be judged.

So I have pretty much been broadcasting my mistakes to the world.

To let you know you are not alone.

That you are not the only one who’s had a couple close calls.

And because well, sometimes they are just pretty fucking funny.

The other day Number 6 got into the junk drawer in the kitchen.

There was a tube of Tylenol Precise in there.

It’s like Bengay.

I don’t know how it got in there.

That’s not generally where I keep that stuff.

But with 7 kids ranging in age from 1 to 15, you find a lot of crazy shit in some really random places.

Like a sippy cup in the toilet,    sippy cup

Or a taco in your purse,taco

Or your sunglasses in the citronella candle, after someone used them to hack the thing to smithereens,glasses

Or the really sneaky place someone put her milk because she didn’t want to drink it.milk

So anyway, I was upstairs, and a wave of wintergreen ascended the staircase and made its way into the room where I was changing Number 7’s diaper.

Swimmers know immediately what that smell is.

“NUMBER 6??? What are you doing???” I yelled down the stairs.

“I found the lotion Mommy!” he proudly yelled pack.

Fuck.

That’s not lotion.

I ran downstairs and saw this:

bengay

By some miracle, he did not get any of it into his eyes.

That would have sucked.

So I put that picture onto the facebook page.

I know by putting this stuff out for the world to see, I am opening myself up to being judged.

One of the reasons that I do it, really.

Because those judgemental moms are the ones that make the rest of us feel like crap.

But they have their own shit going on.

They make mistakes too.

They don’t fool me.

No one is perfect.

So someone commented:

“Don’t you supervise your kids?”

Ooooh.

I wanted to squirt some of that Tylenol Precise right into her eyes.

I bit my tongue.

Sort of.

But she wasn’t really done.

So then I sort of went off on a little sarcastic rant.

Anyway, that shit comes with the territory, I know.

But you know what else comes with the territory?

All of the support you guys gave me.

“…it only takes a moment. Toddlers+ are crafty.”

“Change a diaper, answer the phone, use the bathroom! Can’t stare at them 24/7!”

Thank you.

But then, it got better.

Then I got this message (published with permission):

Susie,

I can’t even remember now how I found your blog but it’s been a sanity saver for me. So I wanted to say thank you for sharing your life and I also wanted to share my story with you (real fast, I promise) just to let you know how much your words mean to someone whom you’ve never met. I have lost five pregnancies and am unable to have children, which really crushed me. My, now, live-in-sweetie has two kids, nine and six, who he gets for the summer, which means I get them for the summer since I work from home. Last summer, I about lost my shit with them. I couldn’t believe the craziness that came with two truly well-behaved children: plastic snakes underneath my bedroom pillow, towel racks pulled off the bathroom wall, clogged toilets, clogged sinks, ringworm, warts….holy shitsnacks. So, at the time, I’m crazed because I’m thinking that I’m doing everything wrong. I’m getting too mad and I have no f-ing clue what the hell I’m doing which depressed me to no end because I felt like it was fitting I wasn’t ‘officially’ a mother because I clearly didn’t know how to handle kids. And here’s where we get back to you. Reading your blog, with the absolute honesty and openness about the insanity of children and how it’s so easy to have a disaster when you look away for two seconds, made me feel like I was in the trenches with the other moms and wasn’t doing as poorly of a job as I thought I was because this stuff was normal. Again, sanity saver. Your blog was and still is a Big Deal to me. People don’t say nice things to each other enough anymore so I make it a point in my life to say the good. I’ve never contacted someone like this before but I wanted to share my heartfelt thanks.

Wow.

I’ll take a million Judge Judy comments for every one of those.

Totally worth it.

TOTALLY.

Thank you Everyone.

Here’s to hoping for a mistake-free day.

And if not?

Eh.

No biggie.

Just scroll through my pictures.

I’m sure you’ll see something you can relate to in there 😉 

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