Editor’s Note: This post was written in December 2012, a few days after the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School, just a few miles from my house in Connecticut.
I’m tired.
I think we all are.
I cannot spend too much time thinking about the families who were directly affected by the events on Friday. If I did, I’d be unable to function.
We will all find our way through this tragedy.
What you choose to do, and how you choose to speak with your kids about it, is up to you.
There is no one right way.
Someday I will look at the pictures of the victims to honor them.
But not right now. It’s too soon.
That is just my way.
Today is the 27th anniversary of my brother’s death.
So I can relate to the loss. The grief.
He was three at the time, and I was sixteen. I can appreciate what the death of a little, helpless child feels like.
It sucks.
But I owe it to him to be happy.
Because I can.
I feel like that is how I can honor him.
How I should honor him.
There are plenty of things I could focus on that would reduce me to a puddle on the floor.
Or, I can focus on the good.
On how he made me a better person.
He brought a lot of joy to this world in his short 3 years.
Well I am still here. So I can still do something good on this planet.
And through me, he is still here too. Doing good.
It is the same with all those victims.
They are still here in all of us.
Now this doesn’t mean I’m not going to cry. Or have moments of incredible sadness. Or that I won’t let myself grieve.
But I will focus on the good. If the sadness comes through, I will let it out.
But I will not let it consume me.
Because that would only add to the tragedy.
But I do have something serious to say.
Something I think is very important.
And a way that I think I can start to make a difference.
The details of how this tragedy came to be are still unclear.
We still don’t know how this very sick individual ended up doing what he did.
But I think one thing is clear.
Mental illness was a factor.
There have been many tragedies in recent history.
Many of them have involved guns.
Now I don’t want to get into a political debate here.
I’m pretty anti-gun myself.
But I think it’s unrealistic to think there is any way that we are going to get rid of them.
And I do think there are many, many responsible gun owners.
And I believe that the guns used on Friday were obtained and owned legally.
I don’t really think guns are the major problem in all these tragedies.
There was also a horrible event on Friday in China, where 22 students were stabbed.
People have used guns to carry out some horrific acts.
But they have also used knives.
And bombs.
And airplanes.
I think what is at the heart of the matter is mental illness.
A mentally and emotionally healthy individual is most likely not going to do what was done on Friday.
Even with access to a whole arsenal of weapons.
But a mentally unstable or unhealthy person might.
We have a problem with mental illness in this country.
Not with its existence, but with the stigma attached to it.
If your child is diagnosed with cancer, well, that’s okay to talk about.
And it’s okay to openly seek medical treatment.
But if your child is diagnosed with OCD, or depression, or borderline personality disorder, well, then you better keep your mouth shut.
Keep it hidden. Pretend like it’s not an issue.
Because that would be embarrassing.
People would think your kid was …. crazy.
Even worse, people might think you were crazy.
Or a failure.
But you’re not.
And neither is your kid.
Mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.
But I think ignoring it, well, that might be.
And I’m speaking from experience.
I have had my own issues.
I received the diagnosis of major depression when I was 31.
When I was 32 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
I’ve never really told anyone about that second one.
Depression seems to have become somewhat acceptable.
But borderline personality disorder?
Most people haven’t even heard of that.
But it sounds pretty fucked up.
That one really sounds crazy.
And how do you even go about discussing that?
I mean, if a friend heard you had cancer, they would come visit and give you a hug, or call, or email, or send a note.
They would say, “If there’s anything I can do to help. Anything. Just let me know.”
But if they found out you had borderline personality disorder?
Well, they’d probably run for the hills to get away from your crazy ass.
And they sure as hell would not want their kids to play with yours.
So you don’t tell anyone.
And you don’t get help.
And that’s when things get bad.
Or dangerous.
Or deadly.
Mental illness is not something to be ashamed of, or embarrassed by.
I did get help. Lots of it.
I have had years of therapy.
I have had many, many therapists.
Some of them sucked.
But a couple were life changing for me.
I have come a very long way.
Out of the darkness.
Borderline personality disorder is no longer a diagnosis for me.
It wasn’t easy, but I did it.
I think this country needs to make some serious changes with respect to their treatment of mental illness.
And not just the treatment of the illness itself, but how we handle the whole subject.
How we judge people.
No one judges you if you have cancer.
But they sure do if you have schizophrenia.
If you have been diagnosed with a mental illness, I am letting you know, you are not alone.
If your child has been diagnosed with a mental illness, he or she is not alone.
If your friend is diagnosed with a mental illness, do not let them be alone.
Please don’t be embarrassed. Or ashamed.
Please don’t judge.
But please, please, please, do not ignore it.
Don’t sweep it under the rug.
If you feel like you have no one to talk to, you can talk to me.
You can email me.
I will give you my phone number.
I will do my best to help you find the help you need.
You are not alone.
And you are not crazy.
But you may be ill. Just like you would be if you had cancer.
There is help.
There is treatment.
And there is hope.
Please leave a comment here on the blog today if you have any words that may offer some encouragement to anyone struggling with mental illness.
Thank you so much for sharing. You are a very brave person. xo
Beautifully said, thank you so much for sharing. I heartily agree with you that the stigma attached to mental illness must be changed. Too many suffer in silence and make their best efforts to keep it hidden.
Susie,
Thanks for sharing this today. The words you say are so true and so sad. I hope that even one person who reads this will get help for themselves or their child. It can be so helpful to have someone to talk to who is objective and can work through issues with you. The poem you shared yesterday was beautiful. I hope that you and the kids have wonderful day and can make some happy memories in honor of your brother. Hugs!
You are definitely a very brave person. And I wholeheartedly agree with you. We need to recognize and help people with mental illnesses so this can finally stop.
Thank you for sharing this. I think you are exactly right that people with mental illness don’t get the support they need. They need support from friends, family, and our medical system. I have a friend refusing treatment now and feel like all I can do is be a good friend to her and keep encouraging her to get treatment. A note to others: Please be good to your friends and family who have these problems and take gentle care of yourself if you do. There is help available if you’re willing to accept it.
you are very brave and I love you. You are absolutely right. That is the core of this problem and we need to make it easier for people to get help. I have an anxiety disorder and I was told to “just deal with it” at first.
Thank you.
xoxoxo
Hey there Susie,
Working in the mental health field specifically with the homeless population who have a diagnosis, I see all the stigma attached to my clients on a daily basis. You are so right about the awfulness of the stigma. It’s so unfair. Trying every day to reduce stigma, increase awareness, and provide better care! Thanks for your courage and openness.
Lots of Love and Support,
Deanna (Kazarnowicz) Murphy
well said.
Susie, you have always been funny, but you also have always been HONEST – this blog is absolute proof of that!
Good for you to share this!
I think you have helped many, many people today. Great job, wonderful courage!
I grew up in a home with a father who suffered from depression and now what would be considered a personality disoder. My father has since passed, and will have been gone now for 10 years. I left an abusive relationship, and took my two children with me.This is one of my worst fears for my children, in a place that we think they should be safe to learn and grow in. my ex-husband is manic and I believe he suffers from other mental health issues that he and his family will not address. I have been very shaken by this sensless act of violence. And I agree, we need to stop “sweeping things under the rug” and labeling people with mental health issues. And help them with their illness, so that tradegies such as this and countless others will not happen. Thank you for your touching response to a really brutal loss of young life.
Susie, yes no matter what any type of CNS damage to the brain becomes a stigma. My primary illness caused secondary damage to the CNS and ANS which lead to damage of the executive motor controls, temporal lobe and more. I have had the genetic disorder all my life but it was not until age 49 that I was tagged with my genetic illness including secondary organic depression (cannot be cured), personality disorder (organic and cannot be cured), and also mild bipolar which is from an organic source and cannot be cured either.
I take medications to control symptoms, will have to do so until I die. At one point I was more angry and vicious. But treating my primary disease in the liver: Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency which causes excess ammonia that is a neurotoxin and causes a lot of damage over 49 years. Sadly I never knew how different I was because I was born this way, until they gave me a med for seizures and anxiety. Withing 48 hours I felt an internal calmness I had never felt before. I talked to my husband crying because I thought about all I missed in my 49 years because of all the misdiagnoses.
I was one doctors said was hypochondriac or phsychosomatic. So I went to psychiatrists and they said it was not mental but a physical disease but they did not know what. 20 years later I discovered the genetic disease that was what wreaked havoc. Sadly I can be treated but never cured.
Good for you for speaking out, my friend! How liberating! I have taken zoloft nearly my entire life for my anxiety. It used to be a struggle, and I could hardly even bear to go to the grocery store… but then I realized that there was nothing I could do about it. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, I need to take medicine for it, and move on. It’s okay!
I’m sorry to hear about your baby brother. So tragic. I’m glad you’re able to focus on all of the good things he brought to the world in his three years.
I didn’t hear about the China thing. How fucked up is that.
*hugs*
Very well said Susie! I am proud to be your friend. You are an inspiration. I also think to add to the mental illness issue everyone should stop and think before they make fun of someone. Bullying is also a big issue today and one that should stop. This world should except everyone for who they are and embrace each other with loving arms. Ignoring Mental illness and bullying are both a big reason why things like this happen. God Bless you! XO
I would love to talk to you about BPD. I have always thought that I was just on the border of having a personality. j/k/
The one thing that I have learned is that you CANNOT be open about your situation, because of the differing acceptance levels of the people who know. I have shared with people who then began to treat me differently, simply because they knew that I had a “problem”. I have had so many isssues with work and other people that I feel like I am not even worth bothering with. I have had 20 years of treatment and medication, but I still do not feel “right” and I don’t see being able to talk about it without fear in my lifetime.
Susie,
Thank you for your courage to share. I hope it will help others to get the help they need and deserve for themselves or children.
I hope you and the kids were able to make beautiful memories today in honor of your brother.
I find this rather refreshing. My concern about the outcome of this will be legislation and gun control. Not that these methods aren’t good or noble, but rather that they have unintended consequences.
Ultimately, providing support to people is what society is all about. Mental illness is an issue, and likely the cause. Unfortunately, it goes deeper than that.
Observing situations like this (principally Columbine, University of Arizona school of nursing shootings, and the Dark Knight shootings), it seems that most of the people who commit these crimes lack problem solving skills. They don’t know how to deal with the stress and pressure of what life or society is expecting of them.
This in ability to deal with problems comes from bad parenting. Parents love their children beyond measure, and rightfully so. However, many take this love as meaning that they should do everything to make their children happy. The sad truth is that this causes their children to grow up with an unrealistic view of life, and a lack of skills to deal with it.
It is difficult for parents to hear that sometimes, they have to make life difficult for their children. That is because this will make their children unhappy sometimes. But if you don’t, children will never grow up to be responsible adults because they were never afforded the opportunity when they were children.
I have never read your blog but I am a mental health professional and what you said is powerful.
Wow. Thank you for writing that. I don’t even know what to say.
Thank you for your comments, truthfulness and love your humor.
Thank you. I lost my sister a few years ago to suicide. She was arrested at her firm when she didn’t understand why she was being let go. The put her in forensic psyche, where she received her diagnosis, but refused to accept any medication. A few weeks later they released her, and a few weeks after that (after receiving a “no trespassing” order signed by a dozen or so attorneys at her firm) she took her own life. We need to start showing more compassion for those afflicted with mental illness, and get them the help they need, instead of kicking them to the curb. I couldn’t read your post without crying. And I am so sorry you lost your brother when he was just a little boy.
I love your blog i read it everyday and for the past few days I have been trying to get the courage to write on this post I cried the 1st time i read this post. When my husband was deployed he came back with in a month he was diagnosed with deep depression . we had only been married for about a year and he was gone for most of it .It was the biggest struggle for to see the person I love not want to live . I lost most my friends for staying with him it seemed like no one understood.I could never think of leaving someone sick with cancer . I really wish people would treat it the way they treat caner .Its been a few years and we are very happy and he is finally smiling again he has ups and down and our marriage is stronger.
Thank you so much for writing this, as it needs to be said over and over. My kids both have ADHD. Intellectually, I know that I’m not a failure and I (and they) shouldn’t have anything be embarrassed about. But man is it hard to remember that.
i just stumbled upon your blog….I am a psych nurse and what you said was wonderful.. There indeed is too much stigma attached to mental illness and if you have one it is no more shameful than having cancer for example. It is a disease. A disease of the brain. period.
Bravo for sharing.
Well said. My husband and I were talking shortly before this happened and my exact words were “it is easier for someone with a mental illnes in this country to get a gun than to get treatment for their illness.” I live in northern Michigan and in recent years there has been huge cuts to mental healthcare and hospitals. I believe now there are only 5 mental hospitals in the whole state and it is incredibly difficult to get into see a therapist. I think there is just a huge shortage of mental health professionals and severe lack of funds.
20 years ago I graduated high school. 2 friends didn’t. Both had severe cases of mental illness. One took his own life and one took his parent’s lives. Sure there were signs but nothing that would could be understood by peers – specially teenagers. I wish there was a way to have known and to have helped.