If you missed the first 10 chapters of 50 Shades of Red, read this.
Chapter 11 Glowing Firelight
The shade you become when your daughter gives herself a haircut for the first time.
Chapter 12 Red Hot
When your 4-year-old daughter cuts a HUGE chunk out of your 2-year-old daughter’s hair, you become this color.
Chapter 13 Firecracker
When you invite your relatives who are visiting from North Carolina over for lunch and your daughter says to them, “WHY ARE YOU EATING ALL OF OUR FOOD?” you will turn this color.
Chapter 14 Classic Cherry
Color you turn when your 18-month-old, during nap time, takes every piece of poo out of her diaper and flings it across the room at her 2 1/2-year-old brother like a monkey.
Chapter 15 Rasberry Glaze
Two weeks later, when you find one of those poop nuggets in the radiator, you will turn this color.
Chapter 16 Chianti
You turn this color when your 4-year-old daughter asks Uncle M, who has a pretty big stomach, if he is going to have his baby before or after Mommy has hers.
Chapter 17 Red Brick
This shade appears when your 5-year-old throws a brick and it hits your 4-year-old in the head.
Chapter 18 Flame
This is the shade you become when your 6-year-old doesn’t want to miss part of the show he is watching but he has to pee really bad so he just goes in the corner of the basement.
Chapter 19 Farmhouse Red
When you spend 30 minutes looking for your 2-year-old’s blankie and then your 6-year-old finally admits to hiding up on a shelf, you become this shade of red.
Chapter 20 Volcanic Blast
When your husband, who is a grown man, cannot locate the ketchup or yogurt or milk or half and half (okay, anything) in the refrigerator unless it has a neon, flashing arrow and an air horn which goes off every 1.5 seconds attached to it, you turn this color.
To be continued…
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