21 New Year’s Resolutions For Your Children To Make

It’s resolution time! Are your kids making resolutions? Do they need some ideas? If so, they, and you, are in luck!

I have a whole bunch for them to choose from right here:

1. I will only flush shit that is actually shit down the toilet.

2. When my sister asks me to stop looking at her, I will stop fucking looking at her.

3. I will eat the crust of my bread, the green stuff in my pasta sauce, and the black things that are occasionally on the outside of my chicken. Without comment.

4. I will only squirt toothpaste on my toothbrush.

5. I will hang my coat on the hook rather than placing it on the table that is located exactly 1.3 feet from the hook.

6. I will stop licking things that are not meant to be licked.

7. I will wash my hands after I poop without having to be reminded.

8. I will replace the toilet paper when I use up the roll.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I will never do that one.

9. When Mom tells me to clean my room, I won’t shove everything under the bed or in the closet and then tell her I’m all done.

10. When I get out of the bathtub, I will remain standing on the bathmat until I am dried off.

11.. When I get out of the bathtub and don’t even place a toe on the bathmat, I will get a towel and dry the floor off.

12.. I will always try to pee before I leave the house.

13. When I hear mom say “FUCK!” I won’t tell my teacher.

14. I will only use crayons to draw on Mom-approved surfaces.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I will never do that one either.

15. If I am walking in front of Mom, I will walk really fucking fast.

16. I will not put clean, folded laundry back into the dirty clothes because I am too lazy to put it away.

17. When Mom is in a major rush, I will allow her to buckle my seat belt rather than insisting upon doing it myself.

18. I will never, ever put an empty cereal box back in the pantry or a jug of milk with 1 millimeter of milk in it back into the fridge.

19. I will not wait until 9 pm the night before a project is due to tell Mom I need poster board.

20. I will cover my goddamn mouth when I cough. With my elbow.

21. I will follow the directions the first, I mean second, no, I mean third…

Fuck it. I will upgrade from rarely following the directions to sometimes following the directions.