I grew up in an era when a teacher could still legally spank you.
When it wasn’t uncommon for your ass to meet the business end of a wooden spoon if you got yourself in trouble.
Where, if you were being a slacker at practice, your swim coach wouldn’t think twice about whipping a kickboard at your head.
Multiple times.
I’m thankful we no longer live in this age.
Where we know better.
I’m all for building up a kid’s self-esteem.
For pointing out the positive.
But somewhere along the way, something happened.
Instead of evolving, we’ve regressed.
When did we start believing that saying no and holding kids accountable and giving out a consequence is going to harm them?
There comes a time when all the politically correct and kumbaya bullshit just doesn’t cut it.
I don’t know how or when we got to a place where we cannot be honest about something because we are talking about a child.
I love my kids. More than anything.
They are smart and funny and beautiful and talented and a whole bunch of other things.
Including, on occasion, assholes.
Oops.
I said that word again.
I have published 1,014 posts.
And I searched them today.
271 of those posts contain the word fuck.
That’s about 27%.
So on average, I will use the word fuck about twice a week in a post.
I have also used the words shit, bitch, and motherfucker.
Oh yeah, and let’s not forget asshole.
I obviously like that one, too.
I have a potty mouth.
Sometimes I use it, and sometimes I don’t.
But if you have read more than five of my posts, I can’t see how you’d be surprised by this.
Or disappointed.
I should have disappointed you a long time ago.
Sometimes I call a spade a spade, and sometimes I call an asshole an asshole.
It’s all semantics, anyway.
Is the word choice really that important?
Or is it a convenient way of avoiding the issue at hand.
The fact that parents not holding their children accountable is becoming an epidemic.
If it only affected the one family unit involved, I’d keep my comments to myself.
But it doesn’t.
That’s why it’s an epidemic.
It’s spreading.
And kids who have no consequences, boundaries, and follow through from their parents affect all of us.
I feel pretty (fucking) strongly about this because I used to see this therapist who told me that once your kid hits fourteen years old, there is nothing that you can really do to change his or her behavior.
Once they get to fourteen, it’s basically game, set, match.
At that point, there is no behavior modification plan, no sticker chart, no positive reinforcement that you can try to use with your teenager to change his or her behavior.
If you have let your kid be an asshole (oops, sorry) unaccountable until then, you are basically screwed.
All you can do at that point is be consistent and hope your kid decides to make a change on his or her own.
So don’t get mad at me for my word choice.
Don’t use that as an excuse to avoid the real problem.
Letting your kid get away with anything and everything, making excuses, and pointing fingers, playing the blame game…
As far as I’m concerned, all of those things are much more offensive than somebody calling my kid a jerk or a pain.
Or even an asshole.
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Deanna says
see….I heard it was 5. Once they hit 5 they are like play dough fresh out of the can….once they are over 5…its the play dough that’s been left on the table in the basement for 2 days.
Either way….I think the problem is that people want to be their kids friend rather than actual parent. My job (IMO) is to make sure my kid becomes a contributing and law abiding citizen with morals and compassion. In order to make that happen I need to say “no” I need to have rules (and stick with them) I need to teach them how to cope with disappointment (because…not everyone gets a fricken trophy!!!!) and all that other good stuff.
But then….people that are afraid of their kids or who want to be pals with their kids only provide me with job security….
I can be friends with my kids when they are adults….
Deanna says
not once they hit 5….up until they are 5.
Kristina says
I love this post. I am studying to become a teacher and recently I found myself between the argument of standardized tests and technology in classrooms and differentiated instruction…etc. and when I came out on the other side I felt myself wondering “when do we stop bending over backwards and catering to every student’s need and allow them to meet their own needs”? I do not like the idea that we are all winners, sometimes losing or failing is what we all need to realize our limits or inspire us to try harder. Not every lesson in life or especially in the classroom can be made fun and sometimes that is not what school is about. I love my kids as well and I’m sure when I get there I will love my students but yes, they can be a pain (my g-rated version). I am sure they don’t always like me but I try to ensure them when I’m holding them accountable for their actions that I do love them. I do care. Thanks for your wisdom and hopefully there are others trying to make their kids understand this way of thinking and not all of society is in jeopardy. I don’t know about what therapists say but even when my kids are old and grey I won’t give up on them.
Amy D says
Loving this blog’s post. I’m tired of parents who defend themselves as “friends” to their kids. For God’s sake! Parents are parents! Period! I am a mama. My 5 years old son asked me once before if I am his friend. I told him “no!”. He didn’t like that I am his “mama”, not a “friend”. Too bad. I’m his parent. No other choice. Today, he gets the message. He knows I’m not a friend. Just a plain awesome parent he could have. But I still wince when I am with other parents who would say “I try to be his/her friend so we could be on the same page and enjoy!” or “I sometimes let my child stay up late with me and watch tv occasionally (I think they lied…I believe they should’ve said “every NIGHT”) when they bring kids to school. Kids go to school looking tired and cranky….and I know who to blame….the parents! DUH! Can’t we crank back the time machine to 1950s-1960s? I hear stories how ‘perfect’ the time periods were….perfectly and properly raised kids. Today, we are calling kids the “Generation XYZ!”. Or “Generation Duh”. Someone told me that. I laughed! Sighs…time to search for time machine…
Elaine says
Here it is, the problem, parents need to BE a parent. a lot don’t because… it’s really f** in hard, it wears down even the best of us. I have five kids, and my husband and I make our kids responsible for their choices, while many, even most parents, choose to ” look the other way”, and make excuses for, well…everything. When my daughter was 12, I was the only parent who said no to her having a sleepover at the hotel we were at for a sports tournament. The rest of the girls were allowed to stay in the ( male) coach’s room , unattended while he, it turns out, was at the bar until 2a.m.Parents only had second thoughts when their kids didn’t play well the next day. when my son (16 at the time) was invited to a co-ed sleepover at a girl’s house, ( a girl we’d never heard of) after the prom, I was one of two parents who said no. As in, no way! A. mom of his friend confided in me: ” I wish you would let him go, I’d feel better about my son being there”. What? I asked her why she didn’t tell her son “no”. Her reply: ” I already said yes, I couldn’t do that to him”. Yes- you could- you are the parent. This goes on, at all ages. My son, a senior in high school, told me that his friend’s mother offered to give her adderal, so she could get a better score on the SATs. I see a lot of messed up kids in my life and in my work. Kids need clarity! they need to know what’s expected, and that the parent will know, and not be okay with a major screw up. My younger kids friends, elementary age, were urinating out the second floor windows onto the driveway, because their father ( divorced) was not paying attention. When I talked about it with my kids, they admitted that they might do that too, if the could get away with it. in my work, a parent asked me if I thought it would ” calm” her son, age 17, to return to him the confiscated alcohol found in his room, because he had paid for it. No- be a parent. I think everyone would benefit by being real clear with themselves, and their kids, about rules, limits,expectations, and just being a good person. I agree with your therapist, there’s only so much time to turn it around. I feel like shouting ” wake up people”.