I haven’t been able to wear my wedding band or engagement ring for about the past five years.
With each pregnancy, my knuckles got bigger and bigger and now this is as far as I can get them onto my finger.
On a good day, in the middle of February, when it is nice and cold and 0% humidity, I can get them all the way on.
But that’s about it.
So I never wear them.
I used to wonder if people noticed the absence of a ring on my finger. If, once I was out of earshot they’d start whispering and questioning the status of my marriage.
Did you see Susie’s finger?
There’s no ring on it!
Do you think they’re...
Then about a year ago, my mom gave me a ring.
The only finger it really fit on was my left ring finger, and it looked a little bit wedding band-ish.
Sort of.
So I started wearing it there.
At least people wouldn’t have to wonder.
Then, a couple months ago, I lost the ring.
It was a little bit too big, so sometimes it would just fly right off my finger.
I figured it fell off one day and I didn’t realize it.
So I was back to being sans ring.
Which was fine by me.
Things with my husband have been terrible.
For many reasons.
No cheating or lying or anything like that.
Just the pressures of life. The stress of financial problems. Other stuff.
Lots of stuff.
And I’m going to be honest.
If it weren’t for the kids, I think we might have separated during this last spell.
It’s been a doozy.
So we have simply been coexisting.
Tolerating (barely).
It would have been so easy for either one of us to quit.
So I didn’t really give a shit about whether or not I had a ring on my finger.
We went to see our therapist for the first time in about two months today.
We didn’t really plan on taking a break from therapy.
We just had a couple weeks without someone to watch the kids.
Then there was a money issue.
Then, a scheduling conflict.
And then, when things got really bad, we just used any excuse not to go.
So last week I made an appointment for today.
We needed help.
Badly.
But yesterday I was still on the fence.
I was looking for a sign. Anything to give me a justifiable reason to cancel…
Number 3 has his first fall baseball practice tomorrow and then two games on the weekend.
I told him yesterday that I’d practice pitching with him if he wanted since we’ve had the past month off from baseball.
His response?
“Daddy! Mommy said she’d practice pitching with me and I didn’t even have to ask her! She just asked me!”
He was a little excited.
So last night I went out to the shed to get my glove.
I found a ball and slid my hand into my mitt.
And I found…
…my ring.
It must have slipped off the last time I played catch with Number 3, and it was lodged inside the ring finger of my glove.
Well…
There was my sign.
Not the one I was looking for, but a sign, nonetheless.
And it was loud and clear.
So we went to therapy.
Are all of our problems solved?
No.
But some of them are.
And things today are much better than they were yesterday.
I know this may be too much information.
But I share it because it’s easy to feel like you are the only person going through this.
Like everyone else is married to their best friend.
Their soul mate.
While you and your husband or wife can’t even manage to be in the same room with each other.
Like you want to throw up when you see that Facebook post… Ten years ago today I married my best friend. My lover. My blah, blah, blah…
Marriage seriously sucks sometimes.
It’s fucking hard.
No matter what flowery and nausea-inducing posts you see on Facebook.
It’s not easy a lot of the time.
And sometimes you just don’t feel like you and your spouse will ever be friends again.
I get it.
But it can happen. Things can get better.
And they will.
If you hang in there long enough, and if you keep your eyes wide open, eventually you will see your sign.
And if you don’t,
before you are ready to throw in the towel,
at least be sure you check your baseball glove.
Leesha says
The Facebook posts can be nauseating. I once read the best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Social Media. I think their may be some truth to that.
And I will also agree that marriage is hard. I had heard that spoken here and there but as a young naive ‘fairytale’ dreamer I never truly believed it. Needless to say I’m a converter on that train of thought. After 10+ years I certainly believe it now. It’s hard, sometimes downright painful, but when its working its pretty fucking awesome too.
Beth says
Thank you for being so honest! It really does make a difference out there!
Joanna Norland says
Very valuable post — it sounds like you chose to see a sign (even the one you weren’t consciously looking for) because by nature, you don’t give up on things — Best of luck!!
Lindsey says
You couldn’t have posted this at a better time. I love my husband and know that things will be fine (hell, they better be since baby #3 is coming in the next 3 weeks!) but we are just in one of those dips where it seems like we can’t F-ing stand each other! And you’re right; it IS easy to feel like you are the only person in that situation. So thank you for sharing. And good luck to your little one at the games this weekend!