Last week was our spring break. It was the first spring break in about five years that we haven’t had major money problems.
Where we weren’t in danger of losing our house, where the Man from CL&P wasn’t coming to knock on our door on an almost monthly basis, where we weren’t on food stamps, where we didn’t have to return cans and bottles or hold a tag sale in order to pay for groceries.
We aren’t anywhere near rolling around in bags of money. We aren’t in the position to do whatever we want whenever we want. We are nowhere near that. We still have to be frugal and cut the fat wherever we can.
But we aren’t destitute.
Being in a terrible financial black hole for years had put me into the mindset that I couldn’t relax. That I had to spend just about every second of every day working or trying to find ways to make money. And so for the past four of five spring breaks and Christmas vacations and summer vacations, I have basically ignored the kids.
Going away anywhere was clearly not an option. But I had also convinced myself that taking time to do just about anything with them wasn’t possible. Or allowed.
It’s hard to get out of that mindset.
For me, anyway.
So this spring break, I made the conscious decision to be much more available to the kids.
I did this for a number of reasons.
First, Number 7 is five years old.
Five years old!!!
How did that happen so fast?
There are phases of life that have passed us for good.
We are done with diapers and highchairs and strollers and carrying kids. I find myself feeling nostalgic for some of these things that are long gone sometimes.
Although I appreciate where we are now. I am enjoying the kids having more independence. I am enjoying relating to them on a different level.
But damn is it going by fast!!!
I definitely have regrets. And I’ll see an occasional video show up on Facebook from five years ago and it’s scary how quickly I forget. I forget what the kids looked like and what they smelled like and what they sounded like. I know that happens. But has it happened more for me because I’ve been letting so many opportunities with the kids pass me by?
I spend a lot of time with my kids. I mean, I’m the one who is usually home with them.
But I feel like I’ve been absent for a lot of that time.
I’m in the same place as them, but I’m not really present.
You know, like the stereotypical husband sitting across the table from the wife, reading the newspaper, and not listening to a thing she ways and just uh-huh-ing her without even looking up from the paper or actually listening to a word she says.
So there was that realization.
Then there is the fact that some of the kids are having issues with behavior. They happen to be the kids I spend the least amount of time with.
Maybe it’s just coincidental, but I don’t think so.
I am certain there is a direct correlation between kids behavior and the amount of or quality of interaction between them and their parents.
My kids need my attention. My focused, undivided attention. They don’t necessarily need hours and hours of it.
But they sure as shit need more than they’ve been getting.
So for the first time in years, I made the conscious decision to spend a significant amount of quality time with my kids while they were home last week.
And something ironic happened.
I didn’t get sick of them. I didn’t find myself getting pissed and annoyed and short on patience.
Don’t get me wrong. They did stupid and infuriating stuff. They still tried to annoy the shit out of each other and me. The are kids. That’s what they do sometimes.
But they started doing it less and less.
I spent more quality time with the kids than I have in a long, long time. And instead of me getting to the end of our vacation and feeling exhausted and exasperated and desperate for a break, I felt kind of sad that the break was over. I could have used a couple more days.
What the fuck?
I have never, ever felt that way.
I have spent every vacation for the last couple years desperate for the kids to go back to school so I could have a break.
And the kids (who are usually at least a little bit excited to go back to school and see their friends) were bummed, too.
Number 4 had no desire to go back to school. That’s never happened before.
At least ten times last week, she just looked at me — not in response to going on one of our adventures or in an effort to get something but just out of the blue — and she said, I love you, Mom.
I guess I am having one of Oprah’s proverbial light bulb moments.
I’m not going to stop working, drop everything I want to do, start homeschooling and construct a huge family bed.
But it’s clear that my priorities need to shift. Or at least the way I structure my time does.
Last week the kids and I had one of the best weeks we’ve ever had together. Possibly, the best week we’ve ever had.
I know we did some fun things. But it wasn’t really the fun things that made the break so great.