When Life Gives You Lemons, It’s Okay If You Just Want To F*cking Chuck Them At People

This post is for anyone who is struggling.

For anyone who is sick and tired of blow after blow after blow.

For anyone who feels like they can’t catch a fucking break.

And I hate vague posts. Vaguebooking.

You know,  when someone posts something on Facebook along the lines of I just don’t know what to do anymore…

Or  even better, just one word.


But as much as I hate it, I’m about to do it.

Sort of.

I received some really shitty news yesterday.

Really shitty.

It’s not something I can share. Not right now anyway.

And before you go crazy trying to figure out what it is, all my family members are healthy. Nobody is in the hospital. There has been no infidelity in my marriage.

To be honest, it doesn’t really matter what the bad news is.

Bad news is bad news.

It’s fairly major bad news.

And you know what?

I’m fucking sick of bad news.

I’m sick of hardship and sadness and worry and anger and anxiety and the fucking resulting depression.


I know better than anyone else what I need to do to get through this.

I need to ask for help where I can get it.

I need to continue to exercise.

I need to get enough sleep.

I need to eat well.

I need to find a therapist. Like yesterday.

I need to take a shower and continue to show up for my kids.

I need to take care of myself so I can take care of them.

Because if I fall apart, then things will get seriously fucked up.

But you know what? I don’t want to do any of those healthy things.

I’m sitting here at the computer typing.

But I really want to be on the couch, binge watching Netflix in an effort to forget about reality for a little while.

I want to eat every single carb in my kitchen. And my neighbor’s kitchen.

I want to call in sick to work and drink a bottle of wine.

I want to call one of my friends who has a “prescription” for medical marijuana and go get completely out of my mind stoney baloney.

I want to be numb. Because this fucking blows.

You know what else I want to do?

I want to punch every single person who tells me that “God has a funny way of teaching us patience” or  “Sometimes you’re not getting what you want because something better is planned for you instead” or “God never gives you more than you can handle” directly in the face. Hard.

The Fall down seven times, stand up eight tattoo I got on my forearm in December?

I want to Indian burn that motherfucker right off of myself.

I don’t want to be inspired. I don’t want to be motivated. I don’t want to be challenged.

I don’t want to be positive or optimistic. I don’t want to look at the glass as half full.

I don’t want to fucking do anything.

I’m frustrated. I’m worried. I’m angry. And I’m fucking exhausted.

But my kids are counting on me.

So as soon as I hit publish on this post, even though I want to do every possible unhealthy (and ultimately ineffective) thing there is to do in order to deal with the bullshit I’m experiencing right now, I’m going to get out of this chair, exercise, eat, take a shower, and then get ready to go to work.

I am going to do my best to show up. I’m going to think about the people who are counting on me.

But I really, really, really don’t want to.

I just want to sit here and cry.

If you are in the same spot, if you are struggling, if you feel like you can’t catch a break, if you are fucking over everything, I’m not gonna try to pump you up.

I’m not going to tell you that Tough times don’t last; tough people do. I’m not going to tell you You’ll get through this. (But you will).

I just wanted to tell you that if you are tired and dejected and feeling hopeless because of whatever your string of shitty things is, I know how bad it sucks. It fucking blows.

I totally get it. Hang in there.

I’m right there with you.


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10 Addictive TV Shows You’ll Want To Bingewatch on Netflix

One of the ways we have saved an assload of money in the past year was to get rid of cable.

But that didn’t mean we stopped watching television altogether.

Nope. Not with Netflix. (And no, they aren’t giving me any money for writing this post). I’m just pissed at myself for the ridiculous amount of money I’ve spent on cable TV over the last ten years.

Especially since you can find just about any show you watch on TV on the flix. Plus, at this point, I like Netflix even better than cable. No more waiting a week to watch the next episode. Of course, you’re always a season behind, but there are so many good shows out there to watch, that you’ll have plenty to keep you busy until a new season is available.

If you are looking for a TV show to binge watch on Netflix this weekend or if you want to save over $10,000 in the next ten years (by ditching cable), here are 10 addictive shows to start with:

1.How to Get Away with Murder

I like this show for two reasons. First, Viola Davis is the smart/rich/successful main character lawyer on this show, and she’s is a chick who at first seems to have her shit together. Until you learn that she’s way more fucked up than you are. In fact, everyone on this show is way more fucked up than you are. Unpredictable. Keeps you on the edge of your seat.

Violence: Not too bad. You know, aside from the murdering.

Sex scenes: some

Binge factor: high

Series Finale:N/A

2.Orange is the New Black

Every character on this show is both hateable and loveable. Except for Mendez. He’s not quite as fucked up as the psycho he played on Law and Order SVU, but he’s a total dick. Season 1 and Season 3 were definitely the best. Taryn Manning continues to be awesome at playing seriously fucked up female characters. Laura Prepon will always be Donna Pinciotti to me, but I like seeing her as a totally different character. Every woman on this show is relateable in some way. Plus, there’s a good chance you’ll get your husband to watch this one with you once you tell him it’s got a fair amount of girl-on-girl action in it.

Violence: Low

Sex scenes: fair amount of swimming in the lady pond

Binge factor:high

Series Finale: N/A

3.Sons of Anarchy

This show will make you want to get a shitload of tattoos and a motorcycle. Charlie Hunnam. YUM. (although something weird goes on with his accent in the last season). Katey Segal is a far cry from Peg Bundy and someone you want to fucking kill most of the time you watch the show. Very unpredictable.


Sex scenes: abundant

Binge factor:HIGH

Series Finale: Satisfying, but surprising.

4. Scandal

Olivia Pope is a bad ass but also borderline alcoholic and seriously fucked up when it comes to her personal life. So I love her. Scott Foley, who didn’t strike me as all that hot when he was married to Jennifer Garner, is a bad ass. And now hot. If you think your parents suck, watch this and realize it could be worse. Every character on this show is both majorly fucked up and majorly relateable. Except maybe for Huck. He’s the most psycho of them all. But also the most loveable.

Violence: Surprisingly high

Sex scenes: Kerry Washington gets plenty of action

Binge factor:HIGH

Series Finale: N/A

5.House of Cards

This show is fucked up. Robin Wright couldn’t be any farther from Princess Buttercup. I bet when she walks down the street, people throw shit at her. Like literal shit. If I were ever going to have another kid, I could never name her Claire. Very film noirish. Took me a few epsiodes to really get into it, but totally worth investment of time.

Violence: Surprisingly high

Sex scenes: Yes. And some are twisted.

Binge factor: 4/5 starts

Series Finale: N/A

6. Nurse Jackie

Holy shit. If you have ever had addiction issues, you will relate to at least some part of this show. Edie Falco is unbelievable. This show is a very accurate portrayal of the lengths an addict will go to in order to maintain a habit.

Violence: negligible

Sex scenes: some

Binge factor: HIGH

Series Finale: What. The. Fuck.

7. Californication

David Duchovny. Awesome. This show is dark. But so funny. And smart. And way over the top at times, but still awesome. Hank Moody is a fucking disaster and you can’t help but hope he gets his shit together. Although if he did, then he wouldn’t be that interesting to watch. Worth it for the Rick Springfield cameo. And Rob Lowe as Eddie Nero. Whoah. Who knew Rob Lowe was so… daring.

Violence: none really.

Sex scenes: quite a few

Binge factor: pretty high

Series Finale: Satisfying

8. The Blacklist

James Spader. JAMES SPADER! He’s a bad man. But in some ways a good man. VERY unpredictable. VERY supsenseful. Very AWESOME.

Violence: YES

Sex scenes: not many

Binge factor: OFF THE CHARTS

Series Finale: N/A

9. Friday Night Lights

You might think this is a teeny bopper show about a bunch of high school football players. It’s not. It’s about marriage. And parenting. And compromise. And a pretty accurate portrayal of life. Connie Britton is great.

Oh yeah. Two more words: Tim Riggins.

Violence: none really

Sex scenes: High school make out stuff mostly.

Binge factor: HIGH

Series Finale: Not what I anticipated, but satisfying.

10. Breaking Bad

Kind of mandatory to put this one on a list. The show of all shows. Just when you think things can’t get more fucked up, they get more fucked up. Walter White will become your new hero. Even though he’s, you know, a meth dealer. Yeah, Bitch will become a part of your vocabulary. You know that feeling you get when you finish a book and you are depressed that it’s over? Multiply that by a million. That’s how you’ll feel when this show is over.


Sex scenes: nor many

Binge factor: OFF THE CHARTS

Series Finale: You’ll wish there wasn’t one.

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2016. Back to the Basics.

We got rid of cable about a year ago.

We haven’t been completely program-free though.  We’ve had Netflix since then.

It has definitely saved us money.

And while I wasn’t sure I’d be able to live without Bravo and the Food Network, I don’t miss that stuff at all now.

I  did really, really, REALLY like watching cooking shows on the Food Network.

But the Pioneer Woman and Ina really just made me totally jealous and pissed me off. And then the truth about Paula Deen being an asshole came out.

And I’m sure I’m way behind the times, but I just recently learned that Giada is a little hoochie mama, screwing all sorts of dudes, including Bobby Flay, who I kind of had a thing for even though gingies are totally not my type.

Anyway, the Food Network is basically full of a whole bunch of sluts and assholes. (Hmmm… just like the Real Housewives, except they can all cook).

So I’m glad I weaned myself off of that shit.

Now it’s time to wean the kids off of some shit, too.

I’ve said this before, but most of the shows on the Disney channel, um… totally suck.

It’s not like it used to be, back in the days of Wild Kingdom followed by whatever movie was on The Wonderful World of Disney that week.

Remember those days? The days of Escape from Witch Mountain and The Shaggy DA and Herbie the Love Bug, and Freaky Friday? 

I miss those days. Those days when you’d look in the TV Guide to see what movie was going to be on the WWOD that week. Especially with the garbage that’s on television now.

I thought that by getting rid of cable I’d be getting rid of most of the shitty shows the kids like to watch, which are literally 30 minutes of their lives that they can never get back.

But I was wrong.

I can’t keep up with all the programs that are on TV now, and I especially can’t keep up with what Number 3 and 4 find to watch on Netflix.

A couple weeks ago I sat down to watch one of their new favorites, Mighty Med, with them.

Oh. My. God.

Have you seen this show?

I swear, it is the dumbest fucking show I have ever, EVER seen.

It’s awful.

So anyway, what’s my point…

My point is that I think we are done with the Netflix on demand thing, which is how we’ve been watching most of our television.

This afternoon I actually sat down and watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with a couple of the kids. Not on demand. Like an actual DVD.

It was nice. It reminded me of those Sundays back in the WWOD days.

And I think I want to start the new year off that way. Back to the classics.

Sure, we can still watch some shows. Not all Disney Channel shows totally suck now. Good Luck Charlie is one of my all-time favorites.

But we’re going to go back to the basics. No more on demand Netflix. Not only will it save us more money, it will save the kids a few million brain cells.

2016 is going to be the garbage-free television year for us, and a return to the Wonderful World of Disney-type tradition I have such fond memories of from when I was a kid.

We still haven’t finished watching all the Little House on the Prairie DVDs we got for Christmas last year. We still have about 4 seasons to go. So I think we’ll start with that.

After that, who knows…

Have suggestions for what we should watch next? Let me know — I’d love to hear them!





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