Get In The Picture

This past Sunday was Mother’s Day, and Facebook was flooded with pictures of people with their moms.

My friends had some really great pictures of both themselves with their mothers as well as with their children.

And it occurred to me as I was looking at all these pictures that I have very few pictures of myself with the kids, both as a group and individually.

Part of this is because we moms tend to be the ones documenting things and are on the other side of the camera.

But for me, I think a bigger part of it is that I don’t want to look like shit in pictures.

I’m older than I used to be, I’m heavier than I used to be, I’m wrinklier than I used to be, and there are less and less flattering angles these days.

But my kids won’t care about any of that stuff in ten or twenty or fifty years.

They won’t be bummed about how thin or fresh faced I look.

But they’ll be bummed if they are looking for a picture of the two of us when they were kids and they can’t find any.

So I was thinking about this, and I was thinking about a friend of mine who is a photographer, and last year she did a photo project where she took a picture of a moment with one of her kids every day for a year. And at the end of the year, she had 365 pictures of her kids.

She wasn’t in most of the pictures (or maybe even any of them), but it got me thinking.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to take a picture a day.

And I don’t want to feel pressured to take a picture a day.

But I definitely want to have more pictures of myself with the kids than I do now (which isn’t really that grand of a goal because I hardly have any as it is).

So I’m done worrying about angles and how fat or old I look.

Instead, I’m focusing on giving my kids some memories to look back on.

Like this one:

That was actually taken on Mother’s Day night. Number 6 had a loose tooth that he wouldn’t let anyone pull out. It had turned almost sideways.

He’s the kind of kid who won’t let you touch the damn tooth at all. No matter how loose it is.

But it was so bad that I couldn’t take it anymore.

So when he was in the bathtub, I snuck my hand into his mouth real quick when he wasn’t expecting it and flicked that little f *cker right into the water.

He cried because he couldn’t find the tooth. But then he found it under his butt, and he thought that was funny, and we all had a good laugh.

It was a moment for all of us because Number 6 had been looking like a jack-0-lantern for a long time and we all just wanted to pull that damn tooth out.

Then today I got this picture:

Number 7 had her kindergarten music concert.

It’s the last kindergarten concert I’m gonna watch. Number 7 was hilariously loud.  I’m so glad I got this picture! And it’s not a big deal, but it’s a picture I wouldn’t have taken a week ago.

Another milestone documented.

I’ll be honest. I’m having a hard time not focusing on all my imperfections in every picture I take.

But every time my brain goes there, I give myself a reminder about what it really is I should really be focusing on.

It’s not the wrinkles and the pounds and the angles.

It’s the memories in the pictures, and the memories I’m preserving for my kids.

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Don’t Wait For Your Family To Give You A Mother’s Day Gift

On Mother’s Day,  Facebook is flooded with articles of What Moms Really Want For Mother’s Day.

For most of us, it’s nothing major.  It’s a day where we don’t have to take care of anyone else. Where we can sleep and have some alone time.

An opportunity to recharge.

But for many of us, it’s simply an appreciation for what we do every day.

My friend’s husband wrote this message on her Facebook timeline today:

Happy Mother’s Day to the glue to our family!  The lady that makes it all happen!

Oh, yes. YES, YES, YES!!!


That’s it!

And this isn’t to say that husbands don’t do a lot or that they aren’t an integral part of the family machine.

But boy that would be nice to hear.

Because moms get shit done. And they get it done with efficiency, forethought, and an attention to detail.


They perform some seriously impressive logistical gymnastics.

They keep things running smoothly when all hell breaks loose.

If it’s lost, if it’s broken, if it’s due in twelve hours, if it’s impossible, moms find a way to make it happen.

Even when they are sick.

And so, Moms, I’m putting this out there to you.

On this Mother’s Day, don’t wait for your family to give you the perfect gift.

Give it to yourself.

Give yourself the gift of self care.

Because you are the glue.

And when the glue breaks down, then the family falls apart. And then you’re all fucked.

In the long term, take care of your body. Break a sweat every day.

Make time to rest. Get enough sleep. Sleep is the zamboni for your brain.

Invest time in finding a person (or people) you completely trust to spend time with your children. Because there’s no greater stress than feeling like you are the only one who can take care of them.

Find something that makes you happy. Really happy. And then do it. Regularly. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you don’t get (or need) to have fun anymore.

Ask for help when you need it. We all need help sometimes!

Spend time with your friends.

In the short term, if you like having fresh flowers, don’t wait for someone to get them for you… get them for yourself. Book yourself a massage. Take the damn day off. Schedule a man-pedi. Go to the movies. Book a weekend at a hotel. Whatever gift you’d really like, get it!

You’ve earned it!

Sure, it would be nice if someone did this for us. But that’s not always how it pans out.

This Mother’s Day, don’t wait for your husband or your children or anyone else to do this for you.

Acknowledge and appreciate yourself.

You deserve it.

And just in case no one else has told you today, Happy Mother’s Day to the glue in your family!


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Not Your Average T-Shirts

Something exciting happened for me recently… I was accepted into Amazon’s Merch By Amazon program.

What does that mean?

It means I can add t-shirt designer to my resume!

As of right now, I have seven different t-shirt designs available.

Check them out! (click on t-shirt description for more details)

For The Mom With The Occasional Potty Mouth

For The Mom  Who Likes To Work Out

For The Mom Whose Got Kids In Sports

For The Mom Who Is Always Late (and has a sense of humor about it)

For The Mom Who Hates Doing Laundry

For The Mom  Who Is Sick Of Her Kids Walking Right Past Their Father And Then Asking Her To Open A GoGurt When She Is Trying To Poop

And For The Mom Who Shops At Costco (or anywhere):

Great ideas for a fun, last-minute Mother’s Day gift if you need one.

Stay tuned for more designs coming soon!

Crazy 8 Sale On Now!

What Your Wife Wants For Her Birthday (hint: some effort required)

If you follow me on Facebook, you may know it’s my 12th wedding anniversary today.

It’s also my 47th birthday today.

Yes. I got married on my 35th birthday.

Which was like the dumbest thing ever.

Because somehow, my husband is under the impression that I’m totally okay with a joint birthday/anniversary celebration.’

Actually, I have allowed my husband to believe that, unless I plan it myself, I am okay with absolutely no celebrations whatsoever.

Which I’m not.

Oh, by the way. I may or may not be a little bit innebriated.

Because at least my girlfriend’s know that even when you are over 40, (or 35, or 30 or  50 or  it doesn’tfuckingmatterhowoldyouare) you still want to someone to at least recognize that your birthday is a special day because it’s the day you graced the goddamned  Earth with your presence.

And maybe my girlfriends bought a box of Franzia and put it in a gift bag and maybe I had a little party at one of my kid’s sporting events.

OR not.

I love my friends.

Let me back track.

This morning, ON MY BIRTHDAY, Number 4 woke up, and she said to me, “Mom? How come on Dad’s birthday we always have a cake, but on your birthday, we never do anything???”

And I just pursed my lips and said nothing.

And then, at this Franzia-filled sporting event, I may have told my friends that story,

And then one of my friends may have proceeded to tell us how she orchestrated these elaborate birthday plans for her husband for his  30th birthday. And his  40th birthday.

And how she is still waiting for him to do, um, anything for any of her birthdays.

And then another friend chimed in with YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

And then like 50 ladies were all nodding their heads in agreement like a field of bobble heads.

Okay. So most husbands are either completely clueless or completely lazy.

So, to all the husbands whose wives have not yet had their birthdays in  2016….

Let me tell you something.

First, just because you’ve never really done anything and your wife has never really said anything, she is annoyed.

Your wife wants you to acknowledge her birthday. And celebrate it.

At this point, it doesn’t even have to be anything big.

But a week, or fuck it, even a day before her birthday, make sure you the kids know it’s her birthday. And ask them to make her a little card or something.

Or at least wish her a goddamned happy birthday.

Then, pretend it’s Mother’s Day.

Yeah.  You have to do this shit twice a year.

Even if your wife’s birthday is actually on Mother’s Day.


Ask her what she’d like.

Actually, you don’t even have to ask her.

Here’s what she’d like. I know because I took a poll on Mother’s Day. You don’t even have to put any fucking thought into it.

Set her up with a spa day and send her the fuck out of  the house of the day.

Because the biggest thing you can give your wife (if she has kids), is ALONE TIME.

Or, arrange for a cleaning service to  clean the damn house.


Can’t do that?  Give her an hour. Let her take a nap.

Hold on. I have to go refill my Franzia. (I’m allowed. It’s my birthday. My friend let me take the box home. Cause she knows. And no, I didn’t drive).

Okay. I’m back.

Where was I? Oh yeah.

Celebrate your wife’s damn birthday.

Give her a spa day or get her a cleaning lady (even for one day) or  let her take a nap.

Can’t do any of that?

You don’t even need to get her a present.

Stop at the damn grocery store and get her a cake.

She’s on a diet or doing Whole30 or some other stupid thing like that?

That is not a get out of jail free card.

Get her a fruit basket or a fucking bouquet of celery. Or a gym membership.


If her birthday is on a weeknight, get a cake, sing Happy Birthday  with the kids, and then tell her you want to do something special on the weekend. Like dinner.  Special = dinner.  At this point,  SPECIAL = ANYTHING.

If her birthday is a multiple of 10, I will wager large amounts of money that your wife would go down on you indefinitely if you do something above and beyond for her.

Have no fucking idea what to do?

Call, eh, fuck it, you don’t even have to call.

Text a good friend of hers and say this (yes, I have provided the words — just copy and paste):


After that, you won’t even have to do anything.

The girlfriends will take over and then on the big day they will tell your wife how sweet and cute you were and how you reached out to them for help because you weren’t sure what to do but you really wanted to do something special for your wife on her birthday, and SHE WILL LOVE YOU.


And she will repay you in ways you’ve been dreaming of for years.

Still don’t believe me?

Then try saying this:

I was reading this blog post about what women want for their birthdays and it said…

Then you can take it from there.

It’s really that simple.


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