I’ve written about my weight loss journey.
About my financial problems.
About my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder.
My stints in the nuthouse.
I’ve written about the ways I have failed my children and my husband.
I’ve pretty much put it all out there.
But there’s one thing I haven’t written about.
I wasn’t sure if I would or not.
Until recently…
About 15 years ago, I was in a relationship with this,
um,
total asshole.
Who beat the shit out of me.
Yep.
I was in an abusive relationship for about a year and a half.
I’m not embarrassed by my mental health issues.
I’m not embarrassed by my financial situation.
I’m not embarrassed by my “before” pictures.
But I am a little embarrassed by the fact that I allowed myself to be treated the way that I did not just one time, but multiple times.
That’s why I don’t really talk much about it.
I’m ashamed.
The few people I have told have all said the same thing.
You don’t seem like the kind of person who would put up with that kind of thing.
Well, now, I’m not.
15 years ago, it was a different story.
There are parts of me that resemble that 29-year-old girl.
The drive to succeed was there.
The lack of filter was there.
But the confidence and the self-esteem were not.
I did not value myself on the inside.
I guess I attracted other people to me who didn’t value my insides either.
I try not to beat myself up over this.
I mean, there’s only so many beatings you can go through.
I try to tell myself that I would not be the person I am now had I not gone through what I did back then.
But I do wish the 44-year-old me could go back and shake some sense into the bruised and broken 29-year-old me.
Because all of those feelings resurfaced last week.
When,
fifteen years later,
I saw that motherfucker at the Y.
My heart immediately started pounding.
The sweat started coming.
I ran out to my car to breathe.
It’s time for me to release this shit.
And maybe help someone who is currently walking in my 29-year-old shoes.
To do that, I should probably tell the whole story.
Come back tomorrow.
I think I need to start from the beginning.
2nd place sucks! I need your votes!
VOTE ! VOTE! VOTE ! VOTE! VOTE ! VOTE! VOTE ! VOTE!
I’ll keep writing, you keep voting!
All you need to do is click on the banner above, the one that is flashing VOTE FOR ME!, to register a vote for me!
You can vote one time every 24 hours from your computer and cell phone! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! I really appreciate your support!
Check out and “like” the not-your-average-mom.com facebook page!
Follow me on Twitter @mom_not_average
70 and female says
It is not your fault. It was how women were raised in my time. Unfortunately, even today, most American women/girls are raised to be subservient to men.
Men generically are physically bigger and stronger than women and are allowed to be violent against those weaker than themselves. Bullying is accepted throughout our culture, and violence against women is just one form of bullying. “Boys will be boys” is accepted as culturally ok. Especially when the men in question are sports heros or celebrities of any type.
Power is admired even when it is really abuse of others.
This is why so many men want to restrict women’s wages, medical rights, personal rights and why many men blame women for being raped or deny the reality of rape saying “she asked for it” or “she did not say/mean no” (especially when not aware, quite young, or under the influence of drugs/alcohol). They want to be powerful and having others with less/fewer rights makes them feel more powerful.
World wide the issues are even worse for women.
You need to know being abused actually, really, truly, was not your fault. Nor was it your fault for not being able to leave earlier than you did.
It is crucial for women to stand up today and name the name of what happens.
AND THEN TO GO TO THE POLLS AND VOTE AGAINST ALL WHO WOULD ACT TO NOT TOTALLY EMPOWER WOMEN ~ AND ~ THOSE WHO DO NOT HOLD MEN TOTALLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.
VOTE. And tell your friends, male and female, to end this evil at least in this country.
Jo says
Abusers know how to be charming. They know the right things to say and do. They know how to pick the right people. They don’t go for the SOBs like themselves. They choose the nice people, the helpful ones, the pleasers.