I’ve written about my weight loss journey.
About my financial problems.
About my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder.
My stints in the nuthouse.
I’ve written about the ways I have failed my children and my husband.
I’ve pretty much put it all out there.
But there’s one thing I haven’t written about.
I wasn’t sure if I would or not.
About 15 years ago, I was in a relationship with this,
Who beat the shit out of me.
I was in an abusive relationship for about a year and a half.
I’m not embarrassed by my mental health issues.
I’m not embarrassed by my financial situation.
I’m not embarrassed by my “before” pictures.
But I am a little embarrassed by the fact that I allowed myself to be treated the way that I did not just one time, but multiple times.
That’s why I don’t really talk much about it.
The few people I have told have all said the same thing.
You don’t seem like the kind of person who would put up with that kind of thing.
Well, now, I’m not.
15 years ago, it was a different story.
There are parts of me that resemble that 29-year-old girl.
The drive to succeed was there.
The lack of filter was there.
But the confidence and the self-esteem were not.
I did not value myself on the inside.
I guess I attracted other people to me who didn’t value my insides either.
I try not to beat myself up over this.
I mean, there’s only so many beatings you can go through.
I try to tell myself that I would not be the person I am now had I not gone through what I did back then.
But I do wish the 44-year-old me could go back and shake some sense into the bruised and broken 29-year-old me.
Because all of those feelings resurfaced last week.
fifteen years later,
I saw that motherfucker at the Y.
My heart immediately started pounding.
The sweat started coming.
I ran out to my car to breathe.
It’s time for me to release this shit.
And maybe help someone who is currently walking in my 29-year-old shoes.
To do that, I should probably tell the whole story.
Come back tomorrow.
I think I need to start from the beginning.
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