I’m contributing to a book about pregnancy written by mommy bloggers. I need to write about the following 5 topics: conception, the great stuff about being pregnant, the shitty stuff about being pregnant, childbirth, and how life changes after the baby.
I’m a little behind. I haven’t really written anything.
And the deadline is tomorrow.
So I’m gonna try to kill two birds with one stone today… some thoughts on childbirth…
I’ll go out on a limb and say that if you have more than 3 kids, your experiences with childbirth haven’t been completely horrendous.
But let’s get one thing clear. When people say “You forget about the pain as soon as the baby is born,” well, that’s just bullshit. I mean, you realize the pain is temporary, but it really fucking hurts.
Like worse than anything. Ever. Times a hundred.
And that is why the most amazing person in the world is not my husband, or my mom, or my dad, or Steve Jobs, or the Dalai Lama.
It’s the dude who invented the epidural. I hope that guy made an assload of money.
Because the only thing better than an epidural is…
There isn’t anything better than an epidural. Once you get that shit, you don’t care what the hell happens.
And you know that Staples commercial for the easy button? Well, after you have the baby and they move you to your own room in the hospital, they have one of those buttons there.
If you press it, a nurse will come to your room and do pretty much anything you ask.
She will bring you food. She will bring you a drink. She will even bring you drugs.
And if you are just too tired, she will come and take the baby away. And feed her. And change her. And bathe her. Until you press the button again.
She will do anything short of wiping your ass for you.
Actually, she would probably even do that.
So really, every time you press that button, A WIFE APPEARS!!!
And people say childbirth is difficult…
Nope. Pushing that baby out is easy.
But pushing me out of that hospital room? Well, that’s a different story.
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