Fifty Shades of Red

I have 3 books on my nightstand that have been collecting dust for well over a year.  In the past 7 years I’ve read about 5 books from cover to cover.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to read; I just can’t stay awake long enough to make any progress.

So I haven’t  read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  I don’t think I need any erotica in this house anyway.  First of all, Number 4 would find it, manage to read it, and learn way too many new terms that she could share with her classmates.  Secondly, I don’t need anything that might make me Fifty Shades of Pregnant.

But it has given me an idea for a book of my own.  I’m going to call it Fifty Shades of Red.  Here are the names as well as a brief description of my first 10 chapters:

Chapter 1 — Scarlet Red

The shade of red your face will turn when your daughter’s preschool teacher tells you how she said vagina two times at school that day.

Chapter 2 — Magenta

The color of your face after your daughter asks the woman at the front desk in the Prudential CT Realty office in Southbury if she is a man or a woman.

Chapter 3 — Neon Carrot

The color your 6-month-old will turn when you feed her carrots 10 days in a row.

Chapter 4 — Cerise

Color you become when your 20-month-old decorates your newly-finished stairs with a whole bottle of nail polish.

Chapter 5 — Red Violet

When you live on one of the busiest corners in your town, this is the shade you turn when your 4-year-old daughter puts her little sister’s training potty outside on the front porch, takes off all her clothes, sits down and takes a pee.

Chapter 6 — Ruby

The color you turn when your 4 and 5-year-old wrap your 9-month-old’s entire head in scotch tape while he is in the exersaucer.

Chapter 7 — Cherry

The color your 9-month-old’s face turns when you take the tape off.

Chapter 8 — Red Salsa

When you have just unloaded the contents of your overflowing shopping cart onto the belt, there are 2 people behind you in line and your kid decides to throw a fit at the grocery store, you turn this color.

Chapter 9 — Sizzling Red

The darker shade you turn when all that stuff is finally wrung up, and the card you hand the cashier is declined.

Chapter 10 — Burnt Orange

The color that crazy tanning lady in NJ is.  When you are feeling like you are failing as a mom, at least you are doing better than her 😉

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