My husband and I went to our first marriage therapist about two months after we got married.
I know.
That didn’t take long.
But we were two fairly damaged people when we met.
I suppose that’s one of the reasons we were attracted to each other to begin with.
So it’s not surprising that there have been many more downs than ups in our marriage.
There has also been a lot of blaming.
On both sides.
I’ve certainly been doing a lot of finger pointing.
Things kind of came to a head on Sunday morning.
My husband had reached his breaking point.
And for the first time ever, I understood why.
It is so easy to get into a getting-to-be-right war.
And after many years of more downs than ups, I think we both kind of got to the point where as soon as a couple words were uttered, we were both instinctively putting on our battle gear.
At least I was.
And rather than listen to what was being said, I was strategically planning my line of defense.
I was just waiting for my opportunity to retaliate.
There was not a whole lot of listening going on.
I come from a long line of women who are never wrong.
Ever.
And as much as I thought I had evolved and how I was going to be the first female in several generations to break the cycle,
well,
I haven’t. I’m not.
Not yet, anyway.
I have uttered the words Happy wife, happy life, more than once.
There are husbands who are fine with this.
Who will nod and say Yes, Dear to just about everything their wives say.
And there is nothing wrong with that if that works for them.
But for my husband, it doesn’t.
It really pisses him off.
And there is nothing wrong with that either.
Living by that motto is really closer to a dictatorship than a partnership, anyway.
And so, in those times that he voices his unhappiness with this motto, rather than listen to him I employ a different tactic.
I point out to him that there is a song on the kids’ radio station called If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.
I have been using shows like Married with Children, and Everybody Loves Raymond, and King of Queens as justification for my actions.
I mean, if so many men weren’t semi-idiots who didn’t know what they were doing the majority of the time, those shows wouldn’t exist.
I should be making the majority of the decisions.
Right?
Clearly, I am not alone.
If there are shows and sayings and songs referring how you should just do whatever it is your wife wants, well,
then you should just fucking do whatever the hell your wife wants.
Now I am not saying that I am at fault for all our problems.
But I acknowledge my part.
Sometimes it’s 50%.
Sometimes it’s more like 10%
Other times, it could be close to 90%.
But for the first time in,
ever,
yesterday I was able to listen to my husband with all parts of me.
I didn’t react.
I left the battle gear on the ground.
And I finally heard his frustrations.
I saw them from his perspective.
For over ten years, I have been rolling my eyes at my husband.
Like he is some sort of buffoon.
Like if not for me, he’d be lost.
Screwed.
I have let it be known that my way is the best way.
Always.
I have been critical and quick to point out his mistakes.
It’s no secret that I think my husband is the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
I’ve told him that.
Many times.
And I’m sure he appreciates that.
But that only goes so far.
I could probably count the times I’ve told him what I appreciate about his insides on one hand.
Maybe even one finger.
My husband has always been supportive of me.
Always.
Whatever the endeavor, he has been encouraging and positive and a big cheerleader for me.
And there are things I do or I write about that he doesn’t necessarily agree with.
But he doesn’t point that out.
He doesn’t try to make me feel like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
Like he needs to give me input and direction in order for me to make an intelligent decision.
All the things I feel passionately about, he supports because he knows they are important to me.
End of story.
And then there is me.
You know, my husband wrote a book.
A novel.
It’s published.
And I really, really like it.
But rather than congratulate him, rather than support him, rather than extend the same things to him that he has to me, all I’ve done is tell him how he’s going about the whole entire process the wrong way.
And what the fuck do I know?
I’ve never written a book.
And there is no way in hell I could write anything like he can.
He’s smart.
Beyond smart.
He put himself through college.
He learned how to build houses and just about anything else from reading books.
He can fix anything.
He never quits.
Ever.
He can handle all the kids on his own.
He wants to handle all the kids on his own.
He brushes hair and makes ponytails.
And not the oh-her-dad-must-have-done-her-hair-today kind of ponytails.
Mom quality ponytails.
He notices and remembers little details that other men would never even notice. The little details that most women wish their husbands would notice.
My husband is extremely talented.
But rather than tell him any of this, I have given him the message that I think he’s a fucking moron who needs to listen to me. Always.Because I clearly know better than he does.
Ugh.
It doesn’t feel good.
Knowing that I’ve made the father of my children feel this way.
Knowing that I’ve acted this way with the man who has taken care of me, who has stood by me even when I’ve done some really stupid and fucked up shit.
And changing this will not be easy for me.
Because like I said,
I come from a long line of women who know exactly how everything should be done and who are never, ever wrong.
But I’ve got to start somewhere.
And that place should probably be with my husband.
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Maritza says
My husband hasn’t published a book, but in all other ways sounds a lot like yours. And I sound a lot like you. Thank you for this post. I’m off to have a little sit down with my hubby. This time with my listening ears on and my mouth off.
Elizabeth says
Thank you for sharing. I follow this great blog about marriage. Some of their post have made a huge difference in how my marriage works. http://staymarriedblog.com
s says
You are so brave to admit what most of us don’t.That’s a start!!
maybe you are starting a new long line of women who would accept another perspective.i l try follow.
just to say,I havent yelled for the last three days and my kids seem to be in a quiet shock! Thanks to you, in these three ‘ quiet mommy ‘ days, my bigger argumentative boy has started to whistle and hum.and his tunes are beautiful.i am ashamed to think if my loud voice was stopping him?
I have a question. I used to paint a lot.and never could after my kids were born.now my son , shows great artistic abilities and dreams of his own curiosity shop one day.this exactly used to be my dream.i lost it.i feel a bit hurt.i dont know why.i want to shun this strange feeling.i am not a bad mommy at all.it is like an empty feeling.i know that as mothers we have to give up on a lot of dreams and desires.i would really be grateful if you could suggest how I could be free of this.please dont think I am jealous of my baby.i would give anything to see their dreams come true.but it is like I am grieving.help.
Jenn says
You are NOT the only wife who does this. I do too, and can list three or four of my GF’s who’ve confided they do the same. I think you are so brave to do this. Not only write about these issues, but really try and model better behaviour. I’m not so strong. I am such a control freak that if its not done MY way, its obviously the wrong way, and inevitably a fight starts. That’s MY issue, not my husbands however.
In the end, after we’ve fought and gone to our separate corners to regroup, I’m so sad for the things I’ve said and how critical I’ve been over some really really stupid and unimportant stuff. Then my mother’s voice rings in my head as she says …”watch how you talk to your husband. Your son will expect to be treated that way by HIS wife in the future. Treat your husband how you would want your son’s future wife to treat him.’
UGH!!! And then I feel even worse than I did before because I know that is NOT how I want my son to be treated by his wife.
Amber says
Thanks for this. It could not have come at a better time for me to read this. You have no idea. Thank you.
Gwyneth says
One of the first things I learned in therapy (over 10 years ago) was to ask myself ‘do you want to be right or do you want to be happy’.
There’s a lot of wasted time and energy in having to always be right. It isn’t easy to remember this all the time, especially when you’re a type A overachiever and a control freak (like me!) But asking myself that simple question has saved countless fights with my husband from being needlessly dragged out. It’s ok to not always be right and to allow a different perspective. It’s incredible to admit that to yourself and your countless readers. Great job.
Nikki says
I commend you for publishing such a real post. This is something I really needed to read. After my relationship of 3 1/2 years that landed me a DV survivor, I also felt like I needed to be in full control and always right in any relationship thereafter. I’m learning just like you and your post helped me to feel not so alone. Thank you.
not your average mom says
It’s a tough line to balance. For me, anyway.
Heidi says
Thank you so much for your words it came at a time I needed them
My family is diffrent but I do put on my armor every time my SO talk. out of fere of being hurt or judged. I’m going to have a long talk with my SO and start by making a list of what we love about eachother thank you