We are in our last week of school.
Yesterday was so nice that we let the kids stay in the pool after Number 3’s baseball game and then we ate outside on the deck and then we had to get the little guys into bed and well, I had put off telling everyone to get their shit organized for school this morning and then it was 9:00 and I just didn’t have the energy to really do anything, so I got everyone else in bed and decided I’d do it in the morning.
Of course, being Monday morning, all the kids slept later than they ever have in the history of the world, and I let them sleep too long before I woke them up.
I also forgot to look at the calendar last night, and so about 5 minutes before Number 5’s bus was supposed to come, I realized it was fucking Wacky Hair Day.
Being a reasonable five-year-old, Number 5 requested a hairstyle similar to Bo Derek’s in “10”.
After a mini meltdown and me finally convincing her that four ponytail buns was plenty wacky, I got her hair done.
Then I realized I hadn’t put a drink in her backpack.
As I ran to get a water bottle, we watched her bus drive past us.
So I told her I’d drive her to school. I had to go wake up Number 7 who was still sleeping, rearrange the car seats so that Number 5 would be able to get out of the car on the correct side as per school drop off protocol, and get Numbers 5, 6, and 7 buckled in the car.
I hopped into the driver seat, turned on the car, backed out of the driveway, and then looked at the clock.
I had 3 minutes to get to school before the drop off line was closed off and I’d have to walk her into the building.
And I was wearing my pajamas.
And no underwear.
I pulled into the parking lot at 8:41. I had missed the cut off by one minute.
The parking lot monitor lady directed me into a parking space.
I was going to have to do the braless and underpantsless walk of shame to the elementary school office.
“Number 5,” I asked, “Can I go home and put on some clothes and come back?”
We were already late, technically, so it wouldn’t really matter.
“NO MOM!” she yelled.
“But I’m wearing my pajamas and no underwear,” I pleaded with her.
“MOM! Nobody is going to notice!”
Um, I assured her they would.
I begged Number 7 to give me her blankie to wrap around me, but she wasn’t having it.
I tried to convince Number 5 to let me go home real quick one more time.
We had now been sitting in the car for close to 5 minutes.
“Mommy! There is a towel back heyah! You can use that!” said Number 6 from the back of the car.
That would have to do.
I grabbed the towel, wrapped it around myself, got Number 5 out of the car, and headed into school.
As I passed the parking lot monitor lady wrapped in my towel, I said to her, “This was not the morning to drive into school in my pajamas with no underwear on.”
“MOM! WHY DID YOU TELL HER YOU WEREN’T WEARING ANY UNDERPANTS?” yelled Number 5.
Of course, being wacky hair day and a rainy morning, there were like 450 parents dropping their kids off late, too.
But all of them appeared to be wearing undergarments as they waited in the lobby, and none of them were wrapped in a towel.
I got Number 5 into school and headed back to the car.
Five minutes later, I pulled into my driveway and came inside to put some actual clothes on.
And that’s when I saw Number 5’s fucking water bottle sitting on the counter, right where I had left it.
Last Monday of the school year.