Did you ever play that card game “War” when you were a kid?
You know, the game where you and another player are each dealt half the deck, and then one at a time you flip over the cards?
And whoever has the highest card gets both the cards and puts them on the bottom of her pile of cards?
And then when you both flip over the same card, you have a “war”, which means you each lay down three more cards and then flip over a fourth, and whoever has the higher card gets to take all the cards from the war?
You know how you would get down to like two cards, and one of them would be an ace and the other was a lame card like a seven?
Well, that’s pretty much where I’m at right now. You know. In life.
I’m down to two cards.
I’ve got an ace. And maybe a four or five.
I’m still in the game, but it’s going to take me flipping over the right card at the right time in order to survive.
And if I get into a war, well, I’m totally fucked.
I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed and very much under pressure and more stressed than I have been in years.
We are in dire financial straights right now.
Like unless something major happens, foreclosure proceedings are starting on our house.
It’s not good.
I don’t say this looking for hand outs.
I say this because I know I am not the only person in this situation.
And I don’t just mean I know we are not the only family out there who is in imminent danger of losing our house.
I mean I know I am not the only person out there who feels like they are down to their last two cards in a game of war.
Whatever the situation is, I can relate to the feelings of things looking very bleak.
The feelings where you can easily be overwhelmed by a seemingly insurmountable obstacle or task.
Where there is no way you can come back and win this game of War when you are down to your last two cards.
I’ve been spontaneously crying for the past couple days.
That is a warning sign for me.
It is a warning sign that if I don’t take care of myself, I will not be capable of doing what it is I need to do in order to get some more fucking cards in my hand.
But I have faith. Faith in myself.
Because I know what I need to do.
One, I need to move my ass. If I don’t exercise regularly, especially right now, I am screwed.
I need to exercise to stay focused and to keep my brain clear. I need to exercise to ensure I sleep soundly at night, because right now the stress factor can really keep me awake at night.
And I need to exercise because physically I’ve got to be at the top of my game to have the strength to do what I will need to do in the next couple months.
Exercise has to be a priority.
So I got my ass back on a strict running schedule this week.
The next thing is, I need to stay positive.
This can be tough. It is hard to stay positive when you are overwhelmed.
But most importantly, it is hard to stay positive, it is hard to come back with only two cards in your hand, when you enter into a war.
With only two cards remaining, if you go to war, you lose.
Game over.
My body and my brain do not have space or energy to be fighting any wars right now.
I have been wasting energy being angry with people and participating in wars.
So yesterday, I swallowed my pride and did my best to mend two war-like relationships.
Clearing that negative energy out of my head has made space for me to think about the things I need to do to get myself out of this situation, and that is exactly what I need.
Because I’m down to an ace and a seven.
But I’m not giving up.
I’m moving, I’m getting stronger, and I’m getting rid of the negative crap using up my energy and occupying valuable real estate in my head.
I fully intend to make a comeback.
And by the end of this October, I’m going to have all fifty-two of those fucking cards in my hand.
You can do it, too.
If I can do it, so can you.
Start moving, extend an olive branch, and let’s make a fucking comeback together.
Kristen Lecroix says
You just said what I’ve been thinking the past few months. My husband, our three kids (6, 5, 8m) left Huntsville AL in March for his dream job coaching college football in Canton, OH. I left my teaching job of 9 years, we left a house with a realtor and rented up here. I thought kids would be able to do prek and I could find a job easily. No and nope. I have a freakin masters degree and have been without a job since March. I’ve sent out too many resumes to count, been told I am an excellent fit for a job only to be cowardly pushed aside in a form letter email stating how someone more suitable had been found. Too many times to count. How am I not suitable? What’s wrong with me? How do I express that yes, I would love to do your admin job and take a breather from being front and center for once? It’s been four months and credit cards are maxed, we are now the statistical family just making it paycheck to paycheck. I just wanna say, I feel ya sister. I will take your advice though, and get up and exercise. Anything but wallow in the self-pity depressive state that can barely hold it together. Praying things start looking up for you soon…
Tanya says
I’m so impressed with your attitude, so many people would curl into a ball and let the worst happen, but you know what needs to be done and you’re getting on with doing it. Good luck, you deserve for your efforts to pay off.
Tina says
Thank you for this. I’m right there in the land of two cards. I needed to read this. Thank you!
Elizabeth says
I recently stumbled across your blog and have to say I love it! As far as feeling like you’re at way, I’m feeling your pain. Right now it’s not financially (although that may change based on some decisions I’ll be making) but at work. The situation is becoming untenable. On the bright side, I believe this is God’s way of kicking me in the ass and forcing me to make some changes that I’ve been dragging my feet on making.
It sounds like you know what you need to do and are doing it. Hang in there!
stef says
You will do it! Always believe in yourself.
nicole says
Susie, if your family needs groceries and household goods, take a look at the Mormon Bishop’s Storehouse. It’s helped tons of people get through hard times and you don’t have to be a member of the church to receive help. There’s one in your area, I think. It might help you just a little. Check it out 🙂
Marilee Boothe says
Oh Susie. Reading your post brought back a flood of memories for me. Without going into a LONG story, I too have stood where you are standing. Job loss, a divorce, addiction and teenagers…and that was the GOOD stuff I had going. I remember not being able to move off my couch. Feeling like my limbs were made of concrete. The worst thing that I did was allow APATHY to creep in, little by little. It took over and I stopped caring about my kids, my friends, my family and everything. The APATHY is what almost did me in. Until that one friend came over and took my hand and led me to the end of my block, very slowly then back to my house. The next day she supported me and we walked a little further. By the end of the week, I was accomplishing a complete circle around our neighborhood. People waved and smiled and even stopped to talk. You are SO RIGHT when you tell people to just get moving. Those short walks gave way to LONG walks and then runs and four years later, I am still running. Not away from anything, but toward all the good stuff. You have been through all this and your sharing it, keeps me focused and realizing that none of us are in this alone. Hang in there!!!
Jacquie says
I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now, and I always find it refreshing. You have such a great perspective, and I love your candor. You are a strong person, and your determination shines through heavily in your writing.
Thank you for putting it all out there- you are making this world a better place with your honesty, humour, and wit!
I really hope your financial situation improves soon- you and your family are in my thoughts. Although I’m just a stranger on the internet, for what it’s worth please know that you have been a positive influence on me and my parenting. Thank you.
Gabbi says
I can relate and sometimes at night when baby is asleep, I am tempted to just curl up in a ball and stay there. Every single day the thought “I can’t do this anymore” runs through my head. Hmm.. I think my fiancé and I had like 15 credit cards together total. They’re all maxed out. We bought a new house pre-baby and now we’re in the hole. We knew it would be tough but didn’t anticipate it to be this bad. We don’t even have two cards anymore. We’re just paycheck to paycheck and we pay whatever is important. Mortgage and house utilities.
Thank you thank you for reminding me that there are so many others in the same position that we are in. Love your blog.