I really need to make a deposit.

People say that raising children is the hardest job there is.

I agree that  it’s hard.

Really hard.

But I don’t think it’s the hardest job.

I think being married is.

You can say your husband (or wife) is your best friend, your soulmate, whatever…

But when it comes down to it, you don’t feel the same way about your husband as you do your kids.

Sure, your kids piss you off.

But if you are away from them for a day, you start to miss them and can’t wait to see them.

But when your husband (or wife) pisses you off?

Well, after one day away from him, the only thing you can’t wait for is…

…another day away from him.

When your husband (or wife) rolls over to give you a kiss and blasts you with his (or her) morning breath, you hide your face and tell them to get the hell away from you.

But when your kid does it, you don’t care.

You will accept any kiss from your child.

No matter how stinky.

At least I will.

You don’t ever have to work at loving your kids.

But sometimes you really have to work at loving your husband.

Therein lies the challenge of marriage.

For me anyway.

Lately things with my husband have not been great.

Stress in several different areas of life has been off the charts.

We have had some doozies in the argument department.

I’m pretty good about stewing over that shit.

And telling myself how right I am.

And how wrong he is.

Well the universe must be trying to send me a message.

A couple days ago I got a facebook message from someone asking how I find quality time for my husband.

And my answer is,

right now,

I don’t.

And it’s not good.

With this current Lose to Win thing, I’d say my relationship with my husband is pretty far down on the totem pole.

Further than usual.

I’m going to change that.

I like to complain that my husband never plans our nights out.

That he never does anything romantic anymore.

But, truth be told, neither do I.

I used to leave  notes and cards for him in his lunch.

Or his truck.

I haven’t done that in years.

So I am also guilty too.


I said the universe was sending me a message…

There was another sign…

There was that facebook message from the friend, and then last night I took a spin class.

I had never taken a class with this instructor before.

She was not your normal spin instructor.

First of all, she was happy.

And I guess she starts each class with some inspirational quotes.

The last one she shared last night was this one:



She was right.

Time for me to stop rehashing stupid shit between me and my husband.

Time to move forward.

And change the unhealthy things that I am doing.

So here is my advice for my friend struggling to spend quality time with her husband.

The friend who is feeling a little less affectionate now than she was pre-kids because of her post-kids body…

Let me say this.

You’ve seen me.

It’s not exactly pretty.

It’s getting better, but my body is nowhere near what it was when my husband met me.

It will never be what it was.

Now, you’ve also seen my husband.

As far as I’m concerned, he is physically perfect.

And I mean that.


He hasn’t let himself go.

At all.

In fact, I think he’s even hotter than he was when we first met.

You know, he did photo shoots with Elle McPherson.

And Paulina Porizkova.

There is a picture of him in his portfolio pretty much naked, lying in a bed with Paulina.

If that’s not intimidating to this saggy and overweight wife, I don’t know what is.

But you know what?

The person he wants to be with is me.

Not Elle.

Or Paulina.

For some reason, he still thinks I’m totally sexy.

With my flab.

And wrinkles.

And cellulite.

And everything.

So to my friend who worries about that too…

I don’t think your husband gives a rat’s ass.

If my husband still wants to hit this, well then, I’m pretty sure your husband feels the same.

He still thinks you are smokin’ hot.

And he probably misses you.

And here’s what I know about myself and my relationship.

When we have sex, things are better.

It’s like a little deposit in the healthy marriage department.

It lasts for a while.

But the stress of life withdraws a little from that account every day.

And going for too long without making a deposit leaves the relationship with a deficit.

Does it solve everything?


But it sure helps.

So I think you have to schedule that shit in.

The same as going to the gym.

Or going out with a friend.

As unromantic as it seems.

I’m tired.

We all are.

Saturday I was tired.

But I went into the city to meet friends because I had made the plans and didn’t want to disappoint them.

Why do I worry about not disappointing friends, but then don’t bat an eyelash about disappointing my husband?


That’s not cool.

Or nice.

Or healthy.

So today I’m going  change that.


I’ve got to go.

I have an appointment, and a deposit, to make.

Bow chicka bow bow…. 😉

Thank you for making me Number 1!


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7 replies
  1. Jessica
    Jessica says:

    I’m currently listening to an audiobook (because who has time to actually sit and read) called Love & Respect that I’ve found really amazing. I highly recommend it and what you just said is a big part of what this book is about. Not just the sex part, but the making time and commitment and also learning how to understand what your partner needs.

  2. Maureen
    Maureen says:

    Are you sure you aren’t talking about MY marriage? If it makes you feel better I get in trouble all the time for making time for girlfriends but not him. You are doing the right thing. Making a deposit, even just once a week, makes for a happy hubby!

  3. Andrea
    Andrea says:

    In my relationship there are times when things feel like they are falling apart, those times always seem to follow an abcense of sex. It is nice to know that my relationship is not the only one that needs sex to maintain a healthy balance. I too find that I forget to make time for my man, and focus so much on my sons needs and my needs, I often forget his. Love this post, it is real, and honest. Thanks.

  4. Amanda Grothaus
    Amanda Grothaus says:

    Does your husband read your blog? If so, I bet he is one happy man today. Nothing like KNOWING you’re gonna get some to make for a better day!

  5. Diana
    Diana says:

    Unconditional love is a funny thing. I know I am guilty of this too. All too often taking my stresses out on my husband. It’s easy because, we know they will still be there. Still love us. It’s not right, but its what happens.

    thank you for this honest post, and a nice reminder that life can not always be all about the kids…we need to make time for our friends and especially our husbands (or wives)

  6. Linda
    Linda says:

    Marriage is a lot of hard work as you know. You and your husband are very blessed to have each other. No matter how tough it gets, find the good, and always remember what attracted each of you to each other. You are amazing parents and a couple. Love brought the both of you together. Take time to be together with each other …, and no kid talk
    (as much as you love them). Make dates. ( I can always come over and watch the kiddies if you need some help.) My hubbie & I have been married for 33 years… I can write a book on that, too. I told my hubbie that I need a vacation this year… alone with him. A couple of hours, an evening, an overnight, etc. is a vacation as a couple. Take time to focus on the two of you. Life has a way of catching up w/ us… Call me anytime. You have my number.
    Mrs. “Z”


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