On Tuesday my husband went to the bank and withdrew $150.
He put forty bucks of gas in his truck and didn’t touch the rest of the money.
He had two fifty dollar bills and a ten in his wallet.
Yesterday he was at the lumberyard. He went to pay for whatever he was getting and when he opened his wallet, it was empty.
He asked around to see if anyone had found any money on the ground, but no one had.
He checked around in his truck.
He drove to the bank to see if maybe he had left the money on the counter when he was there the day before.
So he came home yesterday and was a little upset about the lost $110.
Lately Number 4 has been stealing money from Number 3.
She often hides it under her pillow.
So I went up to her room to check and see if maybe it was there.
I didn’t find my husband’s money.
But I did find this:
I can understand why she has about $5 in change stashed under her pillow.
But why the hell she has multiplication worksheets and about 20 rocks under there, I have no fucking idea.
So anyway, I didn’t find my husband’s money.
We moved onto directly interrogating her.
At first she denied it.
But eventually, she confessed.
She disappeared and came back a couple minutes later with 2 crumpled fifty dollar bills and a rolled up ten.
“Dad, I didn’t steal it…
…I just showed it to my friends,” she said.
“What do you mean, ‘You showed it to your friends?'” I asked.
“I just showed it to my friends.
“You brought that to school today?” I asked, my voice shaky.
“Yeah…for show and tell.”
“YOU BROUGHT ONE HUNDRED AND TEN DOLLARS TO SCHOOL FOR SHOW AND TELL TODAY?” I yelled.
I was feeling faint.
“DID YOUR TEACHER SEE THAT?”
“Yes?” she answered, hesitantly.
“Mom…she said that was A LOT of money!”
Apparently reading on a third grade level isn’t the only thing she’s doing way earlier than her peers.
I mean, I didn’t start stealing money from my parents until I was in high school.
Having a kid who is ahead of the curve can really be something to brag about.
Unless, of course, your wallet is involved.
Then, um, not so much.
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! PLEASE!!!