I can’t believe it.
For the first time ever, I am going to enjoy Christmas Eve.
The day and the night.
I’m done with all my shopping.
All my presents are wrapped.
I have 10 dozen Christmas cookies baked and stored.
I’ve done all my grocery shopping for Christmas dinner.
In fact, my turkey is already brining.
And my house is cleaned and ready for the 13 people who are coming over on Christmas Day.
I haven’t done any of that shit.
My Christmas Eve (day and night) is going to be spent just like the last 10 of them have been.
Running around like a crazy person.
And yelling at my kids.
My aunt said something a few years ago…
Christmas is a woman’s holiday.
Well isn’t that the motherf%#!ing truth.
My husband doesn’t really like me to write about him in the blog.
It’s okay for me to talk about the stupid and embarrassing shit the kids do.
Because that’s funny.
And it’s okay to talk about the stupid and embarrassing shit that I do.
Because that’s funny too.
But he’s off limits.
But that’s okay.
Because he never does anything stupid.
So instead, I’ll tell you about my friend’s husband.
Because he does lots of stupid and embarrassing stuff.
And this really illustrates what I think most of us are dealing with right now.
And why my aunt said that Christmas is a woman’s holiday.
My friend was supposed to come over last week with her daughter for a playdate at 10:30.
At 10:45, she still wasn’t here.
She’s usually pretty punctual, so I was starting to wonder if she had changed her mind about coming over.
Just as she was about to walk out the door, her phone rang.
It was her husband.
Here was their conversation:
husband: I’m at Target. I’m looking at the basketball hoops.
my friend: Um. And?
husband: Well, I don’t know if I like the quality. Especially for this price.
my friend: Ok….
husband: Can you just check on the computer what they have at Sports Authority?
my friend: Um, no? I’m supposed to be at Susie’s in 5 minutes. The computer isn’t even turned on…
husband: I need you to check for me, because…
husband, continuing: I don’t want to waste my time.
You might say, Well, at least he was out shopping.
To which I would reply, Yes, he was.
Except it was a birthday present he was shopping for.
And the birthday is next year.
So anyway, if you have one of those mythical husbands that helps out at Christmastime, well, you just keep that crap to yourself.
As for the rest of you, know that in the true holiday spirit, I will be right there with you, up at midnight, wrapping about 150 Christmas presents.
But at least I’ve got my Love, Actually cd.
That, and a bottle of wine.
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