The Following People Suck

The following people suck:

1.Anyone associated with the tv show Power Rangers Super Samurai.  That is quite possibly the worst show ever to be put on television.  Watching it could and should be used as some sort of consequence for any adult who commits a serious crime.  Knowing you’d have to watch that show would make you think twice about ever doing anything wrong again.

2.Whoever left the empty bag of potato chips in the pantry. And the empty cookie container.  And the empty box of cereal.  Please take the extra 2.5 seconds and THROW THEM AWAY.Whoever came up with the game Marco Polo.  Most. annoying.  game. ever.

3.Whoever left the empty toilet paper roll in the bathroom.  For like the 150th time.

4.Kids playing the game “I call that car.”  What the hell does “calling that car” mean?  And isn’t there a limit to how many cars you can call?  2nd. Most. Annoying. Game. Ever.

5.The inventor of “flap” books.  They should be called “these take fucking forever to read ” and “please destroy me way more quickly than you destroy a regular book” books.  The text inside them should be limited to this:  “NOOO, don’t rip tha-!” Oooohh…    “NOOO, don’t rip tha-!” Oooohh…   “NOOO, don’t rip tha-!” Oooohh…

6.The person who peed all over the toilet seat.  Either put the seat up, or wipe the seat off.  Or go pee outside.

7.The creator of those plastic princess shoes.  They must have whacked a thousand different materials onto hardwood floors until they found the one that made they loudest, most ear piercing noise possible.  And then some idiot MAN said, “Perfect! Now let’s use this to make a shoe…”

8.Anyone in a Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Feel free to add to the list 🙂

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I’m no fool.

I was at Number 2’s baseball game last night and there was a woman there watching who hadn’t been at any of the other games.

One of the other moms said to her, “See her?  She has SEVEN kids.  Can you believe it?  SEVEN!?!?!?”

Very often the next comment is something like, “One more, and you’ll be Susie and Husband plus Eight!!!”

Ha ha ha.  I hear those hilarious jokes on a regular basis.

Most of us have seen at least one of the reality shows about families with lots of kids…

John and Kate appeared to have it all figured out.  And then the truth came out.

There was another show called Raising Sextuplets.  It wasn’t quite so popular, but it followed a cute husband and wife with six little kids.  And then the wife started cheating on her husband, he found out and got physical with her, and now they’re divorced, and she’s remarried to the guy she cheated with.

So that all worked out well.

And then there is poor Octomom.

Apparently she has a thriving career now.

In porn.

I don’t have a problem with any of those people.  I love my big family.  I love having so many children.

But let’s face it, lots of kids can really take a toll on you.

No, my problem is Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.  The ones with the show 19 (well-mannered, well-behaved, clean, cooperative, helpful, productive, responsible, no-tv-watching, no fit-throwing, kum ba yah-singing) Kids and Counting?

Whatever.

Are you telling me with 19 kids, JB and Michelle never just totally lose it?

Nope, I don’t buy it.

They need a Big Brother-type camera in that huge, always clean house of theirs.  A camera that rolls 24 hours a day.  I bet then we’d see the real thing:

Dirty dishes all over the kitchen.  Everyone running around frantically trying to clean their shit up before the cameras for the show are turned on.  People tripping over toys.  2 kids beating the crap out of each other.  One kid bawling because she can’t find her blankie. 3 children throwing their food on the floor instead of eating it.  One kid on the kitchen counter.  One kid peeing on the floor.  One kid screaming for help because he “just had a really big poop.”  Another kid completely unaccounted for.  And Michelle locked in her room with an IV hooked up to a box of wine and Jim Bob watching porn on the computer in the basement.

You’re not fooling me you Duggars, you.

Please pass the hand sanitizer.

Number 2 has always been a bit of a germophobe.

It started largely when he was taught about handwashing and germs in preschool.

He will never drink out of the same cup as someone else, and if any of the little ones touch him with any sort of drool, saliva, or other bodily fluids he has a bit of a freak out.

Now he is learning about bacteria and other anxiety inducing microbes in his science class.

So his sensitivity is a bit heightened.

Last night we had pizza for dinner.  Number 5 took her piece and started rubbing it all over the stool next to her.

“STOP.  THERE’S BACTERIA ON THERE!!!” said Number 2, in a panic.

“Forget the bacteria,” I said.  “Big girls don’t rub their dinner on the furniture.”

And then Number 2 continued.

“Did you know that soap only kills 99.9% of germs?

And so that little percent left stays alive and grows more germs?

And then it becomes a super bacteria?

And those can be almost impossible to kill and get you really sick?”

I stopped him before he could continue.

And then you can get an infection, and your arms can fall off, and you can go blind and infect other people and die, and…

I tried to change the subject, but he wasn’t having it.

He kept going, and then he started grilling me.

“Do you use a meat thermometer and cook your meat to 180 degrees?”

I was starting to get annoyed.

“Absolutely not,” I said.  “I make sure I leave it sitting out at room temperature for at least 12 hours until it really starts to smell, and then I cook it up and give it to you for dinner.”

He wasn’t done.

“You should get a Food Saver.

Aye yigh yigh.

“And what about chicken?  Do you put the chicken you cook back on the same plate you had the raw chicken on?”

“Okay, okay” I said.  “Enough.”

But he couldn’t stop his antibacterial tirade.  I was afraid his head might pop off his body and start flying around the room.  He just had to get one more fact out.  It was reminiscent of this scene from A Christmas Story:

“Because if you put it back on the same plate as the raw chicken you could get chlamydia.

Maybe we’ll let the science teacher handle this one…

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The Teacher’s Gift

Okay, I’m responding to my first request…

An old friend from high school was looking for some direction as far as end-of-the-year gifts for teachers goes.

I might piss a lot of people off here, but I’m only being honest…

Over the years, I recieved many gifts from students.  To be perfectly blunt, most of the gifts I got were either regifted or, gulp, thrown into the garbage.  And this isn’t to say your thoughtfulness isn’t appreciated, it’s just that 20 students x Christmas and teacher appreciation and end-of-the-year gifts x 5 or 10 or 20 years of teaching = a lot of crap and nowhere to put it.

So, my advice is to avoid the following gifts in order to save your time and money:

1.  Anything that has the word teacher printed on it

Okay, maybe if you are a first year teacher you get excited by a world’s best teacher mug.  But there is only so much coffee the world’s best teacher can drink.

2.  Baked goods

Most teachers won’t eat the stuff you spend hours baking for them.  Many teachers are trying to watch what they eat.  And if the teacher has seen your child pick his or her nose or do anything else unsanitary, those cookies are going right into the garbage.

3. Jewelry

I can safely say when your teacher opens that box of swan origami earrings you got for her, they will most likely never make it out of the box.

So let me say that as a teacher, I never expected a gift.  And I know this sounds cliche, but a handwritten note about what you really appreciated about the teacher and how he or she specifically made a difference in the child’s life is the best gift, in my opinion, that you can give.  Of all the gifts I ever received, the only ones I have left are a small box of handwritten notes I received from parents over the years.  Throw in a gift card for a couple free cups of coffee or a small amount to the teacher store, and you have gone above and beyond.  And that leads me to one little story.

I’ve mentioned before that I used to teach in an affluent school district.  The parents there could often be brutal.  Open House at the beginning of the year was never fun, and it pretty much turned into an opportunity for the teacher to be grilled.  My school district had adopted a math curriculum that was a complete paradigm shift from the way most of us had learned math when we were kids, and the parents were kind of in an uproar over it.  One mother in particular gave me a really hard time. I knew she was going to be on me for the entire year.  Most of these moms I would ignore or dismiss.  But I was determined to break this one.

And I did.  By the end of the year, I had managed to completely turn this mom around, and in her eyes, I was pretty much the Best Teacher Ever. So on the last day of school her son gives me an envelope and wishes me a happy summer.  I waited until all the kids were gone to open it.

Some of the kindest words a parent had ever written to me were in that card.  It went something like this…

Dear Miss J,

Thank you for a wonderful 4th grade year.  Paul loved being in your class.  At the beginning of the year I had my doubts, but you really challenged him and you were right about the math curriculum.  We feel he is incredibly prepared for 5th grade, and want you to know we think you are the best teacher he has ever had.  Thank you for everything you have done for him.  Have a great summer.

Mrs. J

And if that were it, it would have been probably the best gift I had ever received.  But she included something else in the card…

A crumpled, dirty $10 bill.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I know she meant well, but come on.  I am one of the most influential teachers this kid will ever have and I have perhaps altered the course of his life and that is worth ten dollars???

I guess the fact that it was cash, in my mind, attached a dollar value to all the hard work I had done — an entire year, and that amounted to $10…

So like I said, if you want to give your teacher something they will appreciate, let them know the ways they positively impacted your child.  And if you really want to include something else — a gift they will use — I say go with the gift card.