And I said yes, yes, YES. The Ultimate Mother’s Day Gift.

I love my kids.

More than anything.

I would climb mountains, brave storms, and take bullets for them.

But let’s face it.

Sometimes you just want a break.

Other times, you need a break.

And, that’s why I don’t want flowers for Mother’s Day.

I don’t want a lame coupon book saying you’ll clean the kitchen, or cook a meal, or give me a massage.

Mothers-Day-Coupon-Book-1

We all know those coupons should really say, “This coupon is good for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.”

What I do I really want for Mother’s Day?

Well, that falls into 2 categories:

things I want

and

things I don’t want.

First, the things I don’t want.

1) I don’t want to touch poop.

Or puke.

Or snot.

Or any other bodily fluid that did not emanate from my own body.

And yes, Honey, that includes you too.

2) I don’t want to find anything.

I don’t want to spend one second of my day looking for a shoe, a sock, a remote, a DS, a pencil, the ketchup, or anything else.

If you can’t find it,

tough shit.

3) I don’t want to drive anybody anywhere.

I want a 24 hour period that is free from fastening or unfastening someone else’s seat belt.

4) I don’t want to be touched.

And, again,

sorry Honey.

That means you too.

I don’t want my pant leg pulled, I don’t want my hair ripped out, and I don’t want to be climbed on.

5) I do not want to hear one single kid crying.

In fact, I don’t want to hear anything.

Which brings me to what I want.

And what I would like for Mother’s Day is all the shit I used to have or do before I was a mother.

1) I want to know where all my crap is.

I want to go into my room, and find my shoes in the exact last place I left them.

2) I want to take a shower

and a crap

alone.

Without anyone watching me.

And without being interrogated using any of the following questions:

“What is that?”

or

“What are those?

or

“When I’m bigger am I gonna have some of those?”

or,

my favorite,

“Why do you have fur down there?”

No, not hair.

Fur.

Which brings me to Number 3.

I don’t just want to take a shower without an audience.

3)I want to take a leisurely shower.

Not a speed shower.

I want unlimited time.

I want to waste some water.

I want to shave at a pace that doesn’t result in multiple flesh wounds.

I want to leave the conditioner in my hair for a full two minutes like the directions on the bottle say.

And after,

when I’m all done,

I want to moisturize.

4) I want to talk, but only if I feel like it.

When I do, I want everyone else to listen.

And give me support.

And validation.

And encouragement.

4)I want someone else to cook for me.

And clean for me.

And pick up after me.

All day.

So, now that I think about it,

What do I want for Mother’s Day?

I want to be Lindsay Lohan.

And I want to go to rehab.

Now that right there would be the

best.

Mother’s Day.

EVER.

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8 replies
  1. Irene C.
    Irene C. says:

    I agree! The only other thing I would love to do on Mother’s Day is go shopping by myself for myself and not get texted with the following questions…”what do you give them for lunch” “where are the Goldfish” “where is Mr. Ducky”

    Reply
  2. Frantic Mama
    Frantic Mama says:

    I’m working on a blog entry like this too as a BIG hint for my husband! I think my biggest wish for Mother’s Day is to be around happy, non-crying children…and no diaper changing!

    ~FranticMama.blogspot.com

    Reply
  3. Christina
    Christina says:

    Yep!!! I would have loved ALL of that!!! instead my Mother’s day started off with a phone call from my mom saying to come next door and get my kids… (Daddy didn’t want to get up) made breakfast, tried to get back in bed…hahaha yea right! Still no “Happy Mother’s day” at this point. The kids were watching TV (one is 20 months and Two is 6 months) I get my “surprise” now! Morning sex…( I don’t care for it when the kids are up I am to busy for it) with a quick no feelings or meaning…”happy mother’s day” I went to the store and got groceries and made a dessert for lunch at my mom’s. Got back and mowed the lawn and had a bath with my girl. Which is now at the stage it is more of a fight. I guess I just put SOOOO much thought into Father’s day and just wished sometimes it was returned. I think that it is the father’s job to help esp since both of mine are under 2! I couldn’t even get a card…handmade or bought…I wouldn’t have cared. I love my babies and I wouldn’t change being a mom! I stay home with them they are in my care 24/7 expect for less than 8 hrs every blue moon for date night! I just wanted ONE day to recognize me and what I do, Do they get better???

    Reply

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