I love my kids.
More than anything.
I would climb mountains, brave storms, and take bullets for them.
But let’s face it.
Sometimes you just want a break.
Other times, you need a break.
And, that’s why I don’t want flowers for Mother’s Day.
I don’t want a lame coupon book saying you’ll clean the kitchen, or cook a meal, or give me a massage.
We all know those coupons should really say, “This coupon is good for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.”
What I do I really want for Mother’s Day?
Well, that falls into 2 categories:
things I want
things I don’t want.
First, the things I don’t want.
1) I don’t want to touch poop.
Or any other bodily fluid that did not emanate from my own body.
And yes, Honey, that includes you too.
2) I don’t want to find anything.
I don’t want to spend one second of my day looking for a shoe, a sock, a remote, a DS, a pencil, the ketchup, or anything else.
If you can’t find it,
3) I don’t want to drive anybody anywhere.
I want a 24 hour period that is free from fastening or unfastening someone else’s seat belt.
4) I don’t want to be touched.
That means you too.
I don’t want my pant leg pulled, I don’t want my hair ripped out, and I don’t want to be climbed on.
5) I do not want to hear one single kid crying.
In fact, I don’t want to hear anything.
Which brings me to what I want.
And what I would like for Mother’s Day is all the shit I used to have or do before I was a mother.
1) I want to know where all my crap is.
I want to go into my room, and find my shoes in the exact last place I left them.
2) I want to take a shower
and a crap
Without anyone watching me.
And without being interrogated using any of the following questions:
“What is that?”
“What are those?”
“When I’m bigger am I gonna have some of those?”
“Why do you have fur down there?”
No, not hair.
Which brings me to Number 3.
I don’t just want to take a shower without an audience.
3)I want to take a leisurely shower.
Not a speed shower.
I want unlimited time.
I want to waste some water.
I want to shave at a pace that doesn’t result in multiple flesh wounds.
I want to leave the conditioner in my hair for a full two minutes like the directions on the bottle say.
when I’m all done,
I want to moisturize.
4) I want to talk, but only if I feel like it.
When I do, I want everyone else to listen.
And give me support.
4)I want someone else to cook for me.
And clean for me.
And pick up after me.
So, now that I think about it,
What do I want for Mother’s Day?
I want to be Lindsay Lohan.
And I want to go to rehab.
Now that right there would be the
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