With 3, 8, 13 and 16-year-old boys living in this house, we have gone through almost all the phases of boyhood.
If you don’t have any boys of your own, you are missing out on some doozies.
And if you do, but they’re still young, here’s what you have to look forward to:
1) The Sesame Street/Thomas Phase
This one is cute. Your kid falls in love with Thomas. You buy him all things Thomas. DVD’s. Train tracks. Sippy cups. Toothbrushes. Pajamas.
2) The Superhero Phase
Same thing. Still cute. You buy new superhero sheets. You get 4000 costumes. Your kid comes downstairs dressed as Spiderman and you just. Have. To. Take. A. Picture.
And put it on Facebook.
3) The Big Lego Phase
Your kid loves big Lego sets. And so do you. You feel good about yourself because he is playing with something “imaginative” and “old school.”
Plus, once he gets past the I-can’t-stick-these-fucking-things-together-by-myself-so-I’m-going-to-lose-it-every-5-seconds phase,
he will often play with those things for hours, so you can get something done.
4) The Dinosaur and/or Pirate Phase
You buy every plastic dinosaur or every item of pirate paraphernalia you see. You buy every dinosaur or pirate-themed book ever published in the history of the world.
You read dinosaur or pirate books every night for 6 months straight.
5) The Power Ranger Phase
No matter what you do, no matter how many times you say “I will never buy my kid a pretend weapon of any kind,”
you end up watching your kid pretend stab someone while wearing an extremely overpriced, piece of crap Power Ranger costume.
6) The I-Just-Farted Phase
Your kid farts.
He must tell you every time he does it.
He thinks it’s funny.
Some poor boys never leave this phase.
7) The Tiny Lego Phase
Big Lego sets are no longer acceptable.
You must by the Lego kits, with the micropscopic Lego parts, that contain 987 pieces.
And cost just as many dollars.
If your kid cannot assemble these mothereffers by himself, you will only buy one of these things in your lifetime.
Then you will try to get him to the next phase as quickly as possible.
8) The Junk Phase
Your son learns that there are many terms to use for his boy parts that are much more fun than penis.
He says balls
9) The Wet Hair Phase
He must completely soak his hair every morning.
And comb it forward.
Every mother of a boy has at least one first day-of-school picture where her son closely resembles Lloyd Christmas.
10) The One Acceptable Item Of Clothing Phase
Your son will only wear one kind of pants.
He must wear basketball shoes every day.
But he doesn’t play basketball.
If it’s not a soccer jersey, it’s not acceptable.
Socks used to have to be not visible above the sneakers.
Now they must be black, and pulled almost up to his knees.
You thought girls were the ones who had clothing issues.
But you were wrong.
11) The Facial Hair Phase
Your son looks like Pedro Sanchez from Napoleon Dynamite.
You need to have the shaving talk with him, but you can’t stop picturing him as that little baby.
You can’t believe your little man is now almost a big man.
And he needs a razor.
12) The Cologne Phase
The only good thing about this phase is that you know where your son is at all times.
Just follow the Axe trail.
13) The Shower Phase
You know what happens in this phase.
14) The Earbud Phase
If your son is at home, he must have these in his ears at all times.
You fear they are actually fusing into his ear canal.
15) The Everybody-In-This-House-Is-Totally-Uncool Phase
We have one in this phase right now.
He’ll come around.
Until then, he’s got his earbuds to keep him company.
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